Managing expectations

I am someone who has really high expectations. I have high expectations of myself. I have high expectation of others. Because of this reality, I have amassed a few tips and tricks to manage expectations.

Take the wait and see approach before jumping to conclusions. At times, the first conclusion that I make isn’t the best one. Taking this approach will allow me to take a suboptimal conclusion and think it through before I act on it.

Understand that people who are busy will not be physically able to fulfill expectations. Not the ones that you have. Not the ones that they may set for themselves. Usually, I rather not believe that a busy person will return a call or will call at a certain time because having that expectation and them not fulfilling them is an unnecessary frustration to go through.

There are times where I know that the reason that a person is not performing to expectations is because they are incompetent in that area. This isn’t necessarily a knock on the person. It could be that the person doesn’t have the personality or the character to do what I expect at times. It could be that the person doesn’t know how to go about a situation. It could be that the person doesn’t have the skillset to fulfill an expectation. Whatever the reason is, classifying a person as incompetent serves two purposes:

1. I can reduce the amount of frustration I get with someone’s lack of performance.
2. I can move on and look to other places to satisfy a need that I have.

This is something that can actually benefit the person that gets the label because that means that the interactions become better since there is no frustration in the interaction. It also relieves the pressure for that person to perform to a standard that they are not able to keep.

A lot of times, the best thing to do is to not put an expectation on anyone and just use the internet to find exactly what you are looking for. It is, for the most part, reliable. It does require critical thinking and picking the sources well. Most of the big changes that God has had me go through in life have happened because God has used the things that I have searched on the internet to start the process needed to get the change going.

Why INTJs make suggestions about how to do things better.

As an INTJ, I am someone that wants to make the world run more efficiently. Well… my version of efficiency, anyway. I scan my environment to detect places where things are not running as efficiently as they could be. When I detect them, I quickly come up with ways to solve the problem based on the data that I have available. Once I find those possible ways to make things more efficient, I have this hard to control impulse to tell the person that something that they are doing is inefficient and then propose ways to make the process better. Usually this suggestion comes with reasons why the person should adopt the suggestion that I am giving them.

I am well intended. I want to make the world a better place. I want to give the world the best version of myself and contribute to the world the best ideas that I can come up with. I want to contribute to the world by providing the world with the best solutions to their problems. 

Yet, not everyone sees it that way. 

For some people, their inefficiencies are not a problem. Some people are okay with things as they are even though putting in a bit of effort to make processes more efficient now may make their lives run better for a long time. 

Others just don’t believe in the goodness of the solution that I provide. At times it is because they don’t see the elements of the solution the way that I see it, even though I have formulated those solutions based on the data that I have collected over my 30 year existence (27, if we only count the years where I stored data in my brain). 

Some people just don’t want to deal with me, the person. I could say something and these people would reject the idea because it came from me, even if the idea was good. Now, someone else that these people like could say the same idea, and these people would take it in a heartbeat because it came from someone they preferred. 

Having these experiences have made me hesitant to take the risk of suggesting things to make things better. I am hesitant to point out someone’s inefficiency and share options that they could use to solve the inefficiency and make their lives better in the long run. I stay quiet and let the moment go by without saying a word. I suffer in silence as each second of the window of opportunity to make someone’s life better passes by until the window is closed. It is in those moments where I feel the emotional pain of resisting something that I truly want to do. 

But there are people… there are people that get it. 

They understand that this is just a part of who I am. They understand that this is a natural part of myself that is actually good. Most people just don’t know how to respond to it properly. These people who get it, appreciate it for what it is: my attempt to  use my analytical mind to sift through the data and provide creative solutions to problems to make things more efficient. They understand the value that this has in their lives and in the lives of the people around them and they want this part of myself to be manifested fully in their vicinity. 

They know that this process isn’t perfect, but they know that if they work with me they will more often than not encounter the solutions to their problems quicker and the solutions will be more and more efficient as the time goes on. 

These people find an INTJ who will feel safe around them and take more risks because the INTJ has enough data to point to the reality that these people will not judge them for the thing that makes the INTJ vulnerable. 

INTJs make suggestions on how to make things better because we can’t help it. There is something in us that can’t sit back and allow inefficient processes to continue if there is something that we can do or say to make the world a better place. A more efficient system. INTJs make suggestions on how to make things better because we care. It is the way that we show that you matter. It is the way that we show that we are invested in you and/or the organization that we work for or are a part of. We make suggestions because it is in our nature. We don’t do it to make you feel incompetent, because we know that we have areas where we are incompetent as well. But understand that when we make these suggestions we show that the cost that this type of moment has is worth paying, because we see the benefit that it has on your efficiency.

What does it look like when an INTJ is committed to a project.

When an INTJ is committed to a project, they will put a lot of effort into accomplishing the tasks related to that project.

When an INTJ is committed to a project, they will be efficient in the use of their time… to the point where people that are supervising the INTJ will be amazed with the amount of things that they get done in a short amount of time. 

When an INTJ is committed to a project, they will look to be intentional with working with the person in the supervisor role to be proactive in doing their part to fulfill the vision that the creator of the project had for its completion.

When an INTJ is committed to a project, there is not a lot of things that the INTJ will skimp out on to make sure that the project is successfully completed and implemented in an elegant way.

When an INTJ is committed to a project, the INTJ will try to figure out what is the role that they need to fulfill based on who the people around them are and what aspect of their skill set is needed for project success. 

When an INTJ is committed to a project, the INTJ will offer their best suggestion to solve a problem.

When an INTJ is committed to a project, the INTJ will perform tasks that may not even be in their comfort zone.

When an INTJ is committed to a project, the INTJ will try to learn everything they can about the topic the project is about to then use that information to improve on what they are doing and make the project run better.

When an INTJ is committed to a project, the person that is supervising will probably encounter having to deal with a lot of information and progress at once. I remember when I was doing a summer internship I had collected a lot of graphs and numbers to perform extrapolations on the future of IoT devices and then I started to map IoT devices to traditional espionage techniques, and my advisor looked at the mapping and decided to leave that for the following week because he wasn’t expecting for me to be that far ahead. It was rather funny.

INTJs and correction

Can an INTJ be corrected? The short answer? Yes.

The real question is can you correct an INTJ.

Not everyone can correct an INTJ. This is for two reasons.

The first is that not everyone knows how to correct an INTJ. For INTJs (at least me), correction is a 3-step process. First, you identify to the INTJ that the INTJ did something wrong. Second, you explain why the action is so wrong. Don’t use social norms. Don’t use self-centered reasoning. Be logical and use more rational language. Third, give the INTJ what they need to replace what is wrong with something that is right for that type of situation. If you don’t do this, the INTJ (at least me) will think that you didn’t really correct because you are not giving the INTJ the opportunity to make things “right” in the future. You are not giving the INTJ the chance to get on the right track.

The second is that for an INTJ, who is giving the correction is as important as the act of correction itself. For INTJs, tittles and positions don’t matter if the person has shown that they have big character flaws and/or are not competent to correct properly. The other thing that may come into play is whether the person that is doing the correcting has the traits needed for the correction to have weight. If the person doesn’t seem to have the perspective necessary to back the correction, the correction will not be taken seriously.

For INTJs, subjecting themselves to correction by someone is them putting themselves in a position of vulnerability. It means releasing information that can have a negative impact on the external world if released to the wrong person and/or in the wrong way.

This requires trust in the person that is doing the correcting. Trust to handle the crap that the INTJ throws at the other person. Trust that that other person can respond in a way that the INTJ sees fit, even though it may not be comfortable for the INTJ. I think that this needs to be reiterated: Being able to correct an INTJ and see good results is a privilege that an INTJ gives to a person.

There may be INTJs that may not want to be corrected. I personally as an INTJ want to be corrected when I am wrong, but I don’t trust people to correct properly. I don’t trust that people are capable to correct only what actually needs to be corrected in a proper manner. I also don’t trust that people are capable of speaking in the INTJ style to make the correction actually work.

If I find that someone has the personality, character, life experience, relational context with me, and competence to correct correctly, I am willing to be corrected by them. Not only that, but the way that I interact with them is different because I am more vulnerable with them and take risks. I reveal some of the parts of myself or some ideas that I would hide to others because I actually want those things to be corrected and I know that the other person will do just that. When the correction happens for a situation that I didn’t artificially create, I can take it as legit and actually respond to it properly.

How INTJs work with a research advisor.

If you haven’t looked around this blog, I am a Christian, an INTJ, and a Computer Science graduate student and Health Educator. In that order. Yes… I did just typed that in the style of Mike Pence’s campaign videos.

As an INTJ, I have done what I can to understand why I react the way that I do in life situations. This year I did a summer research with a research advisor and I am currently doing a year long research project with this same advisor. I have analyzed the interactions to understand how I as an INTJ work with a research advisors. These are my conclusions:

• For an INTJ, who they are in relation to who the advisor is has a great deal of importance. The personality type of the advisor doesn’t matter that much, though it is a plus if it is a match with an INTJ person. What matters is having mutual appreciation and respect for each other, and common ground that allows a bond to form that will allow two people with a vertical dynamic to work together. As an example, in our case that common ground was language and difficulties in language.
• INTJs will wait for the other person to set the tone of the dynamic.
• The INTJ will try to be proactive to carry out the vision laid out by the advisor the most efficient way possible.
• An INTJ doesn’t want to waste time with a bad idea. The INTJ prefers that the advisor be direct when dealing with an INTJ giving a bad idea, especially if the INTJ is sold on the vision that the advisor has for a particular project. This goes back to the proactive point. If an INTJ is giving a bad idea, chances are the INTJ knows that it is a bad idea and may even know why. What is going on is that the INTJ doesn’t know what to replace it with. The INTJ shares the bad idea because the INTJ wants is for the advisor to give them the perspective they need to get back on track. In this act, the INTJ is showing the level of trust that they have that the advisor will not judge them for having a bad idea. If you want to be successful in being a research advisor to an INTJ and you encounter a bad idea, do this:
  • Tell them that the idea was bad. Don’t sugarcoat it. Don’t let it fester… period.
  • Tell them why you think that it is wrong. It confirms suspicions and/or it gives insight into what the vision is and is not.
  • Show them where to go to get back on track. Give them something that replaces the bad idea. Remember, this is really what the INTJ is looking for.
• An INTJ wants to trust that when the advisor think something is good, it is actually good. The INTJ also wants to trust that if the advisor thinks that something is bad, it is because the idea is actually bad. If the advisor can’t correct a bad idea when it is obvious to the INTJ that the idea is bad, the INTJ will most likely lose trust in the advisor and the INTJ will have to resort to other metrics to measure the idea.
• An INTJ wants to see results. An advisor should guide the INTJ through the process so they can see that their work wasn’t in vain. An INTJs appreciation for who the advisor is and what they are doing will increase as they both get to see the tangible results of their work.
• An INTJ will foster relationship with an advisor when they know that the common bonds of those conversations will allow them to better work together when things get difficult.
• If the relationship is built on a solid foundation of trust, respect, and mutual appreciation, an INTJ will accept correction and will come to appreciate it because they know that it will make the working relation ship better.
• An INTJ will work hard… harder than you think. This is especially true if the INTJ is sold with the vision that the advisor has. When I started the year long research, my research advisor made jokes alluding to how much I get done in a short amount of time. Don’t be surprised if the INTJ does about two weeks of work in half of the time.
• The INTJ, in a healthy environment and healthy leadership, doesn’t need to know everything but wants enough information to get working efficiently. They are capable of trusting that the advisor knows what they are doing and will trust the process that the advisor is guiding them through.

INTJs and romantic content.

         I am an INTJ. I do everything in my power to be stoic and logic driven. Yet when I follow different youtubers I can’t help but connect with them and their stories. I can’t help to be swayed emotionally with their struggles, adventures, and successes. 

         Recently, I started seeing several YouTubers getting married or becoming engaged. I am really happy for them. I also started seeing the compilations of that naked girlfriend tik tok trend. I noticed, though, that I get a certain feeling. You know, the type of feelings that are associated with women when they view romantic things. It really freaks me out. I don’t really admit it to anyone because I want to keep up the reputation of not having emotions. 

         I get freaked out when I realize this pattern because I don’t see myself as a romantically inclined person. I have never been a romantic type, although I do like to do kind gestures for those I care about from time to time. I still from time to time click on these types of videos for that fix. 

When an INTJ is invested in something.

When INTJs are invested in something, we spare no expense in getting it done. 

We want everything to be as perfect as possible… unless we are choosing to not give 100% for the sake of quantity of content.

When INTJs are invested in something, we plan our day around that which we are invested in.

When INTJs are invested in something, we put our all into it. This is a big deal because normally INTJs don’t care about everything else (at least I don’t).

When INTJs are invested in something, it becomes the thing that we think about. INTJs do at times work as an expert system. We have ample knowledge about some things but are idiots when it comes to others.

When an INTJs are invested in something, others tend to suffer because of who we become during the project.

How INTJs handle change.

Disclaimer: This is more how I handle change. It may not be applicable to all INTJS.

The answer? That depends.

If the change is about something that we already know how it will turn out, we manage it well. It doesn’t mean that we don’t get anxious at all, but we are comforted by the knowledge of the process.

If the change is about something that is foreign to us, our ability to handle it drops significantly. We can even go through the grief of leaving our comfort zone for something that has the promise of being better but not the certainty of it. Our good judgement can become clouded. Do we have good judgement? I don’t know.

It takes time to learn to handle things better. It might never be perfect. We sure try.

How an INTJ deals with an emergency.

That depends.

That depends on whether there was a preparation for it before hand or not.

If there was preparation before hand for the emergency, The INTJ just executes the plan and relies on the preparation.

If there was no preparation, the INTJ is a bit of a mess. We react with a lot of anxiety.

We are a bit incapable of scrambling our minds to come up with good ways to proceed.

The way that we react when there is an emergency showcases the reason that we take so much time in preparing for an emergency.

The thing that we try to avoid is not to get caught off guard. What we want to avoid is to not be prepared to handle things when the emergency comes.

As an INTJ grows older the amount of experience obtained through life allows us to make more informed decisions. It may not be perfect… maybe ever. But we try our best.

Changes during quarantine.

I am a graduate student doing a masters in computer science. I also was going to start on lab work requirements. You know, before Puerto Rico went into lockdown on March 16. Since then, I have had to made some changes to accommodate for this time.

1. I had to invest in having a more efficient and productive work from home setup. I bought a quality mouse and keyboard. I did this because my desk at home was made in the late 90’s when laptops were just starting to come out and desks were made for desktops with small screens. I have tried to connect my old Logitech keyboard and it didn’t work. I have thought about a second monitor, but I don’t want to go overboard with getting everything at once.
2. I started doing more physical activity. Puerto Rico is not a walkable country, so 10,000 steps a day is unrealistic. If I was at home all day, I would not really move a lot (less than 1,000 steps). When I wasn’t at home all day, I would have to force more than 4,000 steps out of me. Recently I was bored at home and I set up my hamper on top of a big box to simulate a basket and used two tennis balls as basketballs. Because I love basketball, I could walk around the house, work on my skills for hours, and get anything from 4,000 to 6,000 + steps per day.
3. I do a minimum of 25 hours of university work per week. I try to get used to this number because this is the amount of lab hours I have to do per week at the university. Might as well get used to it. It has actually been good to do this habit, because I can get my homework done without stressing out that much because of procrastination.
4. I haven’t done grocery shopping in a month. As a typical millennial, I shop with a basket because I want to make sure that I buy only what I need. I also don’t want to spend unnecessary money in food that I won’t eat. Last time I went grocery shopping and I panic bought a bunch of food. I have eaten a lot of it. I did spend more than I was comfortable with. Now I am low on food and my nutrition has gone down with it. I have avoided going to the supermarket… but I am out of milk, chicken, microwave food, ham. Also, several foods expired on me. I have to go back, and I hope that I don’t  spend as much as I did last time.
5. There was a time where I couldn’t go out every day because the lockdown included a car limitation.
6. I stopped being physically affectionate with my father. This is a big deal because I am normally really affectionate with my father. But I am keeping distance because he is a medical practitioner and I wanted to make sure that we are not giving the virus to each other. I haven’t thought about it enough to miss it. When I think about the fact that my time in Puerto Rico is going to be limited, I do wish that I could take advantage of the time that I have left with him on a daily basis.
7. I haven’t had a meal with my father since March 15. Again, my father is the only family that I have in Puerto Rico that I can count on and even though I see him every day I don’t spend more than a few minutes with him.
8. No physical church since lockdown started. I can’t say that I miss it, because I do like not having to deal with the most touchy feely people in the planet. I have had to be more disciplined to maintain a christian lifestyle. My second blog Bible Observations help a lot because it forces me to read the Bible and study it thoroughly.
9. I have less human contact. I am single. I live alone. I don’t have many friends. The time outside has reduced greatly. I don’t mind it most of the time. Most of the time. Even as an INTJ, there has been times where I have craved social contact.
10. I have cooked a lot more… and used more spices. Still made a bunch of mistakes when cooking. #Don’tgetpoisonedandlearn