- Having to deal with everyone’s mean behavior towards me.
- I get treated as if I’m not competent to do anything.
- No one listens to my voice of reason because I am the youngest.
- I am not involved in family decisions.
- I can’t defend myself from the older siblings actions.
- I have to deal with the implications of everybody’s reputations.
- I live under everyone’s shadow… until I’m old enough to make my own.
- I have to deal with the family’s expectations of me.
- I am in a perpetual catch up with them.
- The comparison game.
This year I decided to celebrate Christmas with my sister and her husband at Boston. It’s Christmas Day, and I’m up at 8:15 am. Everyone else is either sleeping or trying to sleep more. I can’t help but wake up when the sun comes up… and stay awake. One of the biggest challenges for me has been the temperature difference between here and Puerto Rico. I feel that I’m in an everlasting air conditioner, even though the place has a central heating system. It’s a bit too cold for me at night. But those are minor things.
I really like Boston. Every time that I go from the airport to where I will stay at, I have the desire to live in a city like Boston. It really is a beautiful city. By looks alone, I wouldn’t mind living here.
I came here to be with my sister and her husband before my sister got so pregnant that she couldn’t walk. My brother found out my plans and decided to tag along. That immediately scared me because the last time that I was with them both, I had a subpar time. I braced myself for a time of faking happiness and showing sadness at night before bed. I thought that I was going to return worse than how I left.
Boy, have I been wrong. I had time to be with my sister and Philip before my brother arrived on the morning after I got there. So I got the time I wanted. But the time I have been with them together has been fun. Necessary. It’s the first time where we hang out and we are in pretty much the same phase in our lives. It felt different.
Hopefully it stays that way. I am glad to be celebrating Christmas with them. Merry Christmas to all.
- Sometimes the biggest problem is myself.
- Other times the biggest problem is the other person.
- Nothing is given to me… except the circumstances around where I was raised and the opportunities to make something out of myself.
- God’s plans can involve being in an apparent state of limbo because he has things to teach in that time.
- God’s plans also includes progress and being out of that limbo.
- God will not tell you what He is doing in really hard periods.
- When something is asked of a group of people I am at to have a particular perspective, and I am the one person capable to have it, I should step up and deliver.
- Confidence is more powerful than I thought.
- Getting a job does not only have economic benefits. My whole life can change for the better if I let it.
- Hard decisions are a part of life that I have to take serious, but they are not the end of the world… just the end of the world as I knew it.
Yesterday I was all day in a community activity for work as a Health Educator. My supervisor wasn’t there. I felt free to do my thing without the pressure that she imposes.
When I shared this with my co-worker, she stated that I put too much pressure on myself. I stayed quiet because I couldn’t put my response into words… yet. I knew that, even though I put pressure on myself to do quality work, my supervisor’s presence and her way of treating me is a factor in how I feel.
I have been in community activities with and without my supervisor and I notice the difference in pressure that I feel when completing different tasks at work. When she is there, I deal with the thought of being evaluated. I deal with the thought that every activity that I go with her is another thing that she will use against me in her evaluation of me.
It doesn’t help that I’m an INTJ in a Extroverted and Feeling environment. When I give my thoughts on something and I state how I feel internally, it’s like I’m speaking a different language. It makes me think that I am an alien.
After spending years getting to know myself and embrace who I am, I find myself in an environment where my progress in life is jeopardized by my supervisor’s input that who I am is unacceptable in the profession that I chose. I find myself in a work environment where I am reprimanded for playing to my strengths. I think that it is a shame and a waste of time from my supervisor’s part to shame me for playing to my strengths and using that to compensate for my weaknesses. I think that it’s wrong of my supervisor to not respect who I am and how I operate. I know that INTJs like myself are valuable in the Health Education profession, especially in the more administrative and planning part of the profession. In this profession, to get to that “promise land” I have to go through this… “desert”.
I realized yesterday that I perform better when the pressures are lessened. I perform better when left “on my own”. Yesterday I was able to play to my strengths even in a extroverted type of situation. With yesterday’s activity, my confidence to do this job improved and made me look forward to future activities… future activities where my supervisor isn’t there.
Last Thursday I had an altercation with the bass player of the church because he told me to play the piano to get the tones for things that were going to be sang on Sunday. Everytime that I tried to do it except for one, he would interrupt my process of finding it out. I got tired of it, and I knew that the problem was that our processes are different. I spoke back. He wouldn’t let me complete my idea. I was so furious because he wouldn’t let me do my thing, something that he asked me to do. I knew that he was no better than me in that department because he has as many faults as me in music. I knew I had to do something because a missionary was the person that was rehearsing. I was also pissed off because I am not allowed to show anger in the church for things that matter. I knew that I wasn’t going to control my anger biologically speaking, so I did the best thing that I could do: I left the rehearsal. I wasn’t going to be around that crap.
I as an INTJ fear what my reaction would be when I am angry in public. I feel that my control over myself diminish because the emotion that I feel is so intense that I am forced to make a balance between allowing my emotion to surface and keeping control of my behavior. I don’t like loosing control. Because of this, I choose to leave the scene in order to not cause as much damage as I think that I will cause.
On the other hand, at times I find myself leaving the scene and not standing up for what is right. I think that with anger I will never win the inner battle that I have.
I wish that there was a theory that I could use to guide what I do when I get angry in public. I don’t know if anyone has figured out how an INTJ should handle anger. What I know is that I don’t want to show anger because of the inconvenience that it presents both to myself and everyone else. I also know that it is not healthy to keep anger inside until it explodes.
I don’t think that this is purely an INTJ thing. It could be. I don’t know yet.
I have a fear of opening up to the wrong person. I don’t know yet how legitimate it is. I know that the origins are in the interactions that I had with my mother when she used my most personal thoughts against me. I learned that the best way to avoid negative reactions from her and anyone else is to not open up to anyone. I learned the art of stalling.
Stalling: the art of saying things that are true but doesn’t necessarily answer the question the way the other person expects for it to be answered. That’s how I have defined it based on how other people react when I do this.
I never think that I’m stalling. My take is that I have a natural resistance to really opening up, taking off the mask that I have made for my personal protection from other people. I sense the danger of stating what I truly think and I look for things to say that answer the question without stating my true thoughts. This, people interpret as not answering the question at all.
It doesn’t matter what I think. It only matters what people interpret. I always find myself responding more to other people’s reality than my own. This always makes me feel that my reality is never appreciated, never accounted for. My fear of opening up to people is never noticed. It is never acknowledged as something that’s normal that is a byproduct of dealing with people’s suckiness. No one wants to go through the work of earning my trust. It is easier for them to state that stalling is wrong and that I should change this behavior. This has totally worked wonders for them (sarcastic tone).
No human will ever be able to change my instinct. Only God can change this. So as long as I get the warning signs that I should stall, I will stall.
As I write this sentence, I have no idea how to tittle this post. I do know what I want to talk about.
At work, I have had internal conflict with who my supervisor represents ever since the first staff meeting. I noticed how the group dynamics changed when my supervisor was there. To me, it felt that there was a difference in personality between who my supervisor was and who the rest of the unit where. With every thing that I saw my supervisor do, I felt that this suspicion was being confirmed.
My supervisor would make remarks about my quiet, and reserved nature. What I perceived was that my supervisor thought of who I am as inappropriate. I knew better, but I wasn’t okay with my supervisor’s remarks because of what the comments represent in an extroverted ideal society.
So I can’t put her at fault for my subjective interpretation of what her comments meant, but the reality is that it rarely matters what she means. What matters is what I think. This is true when the roles get inverted.
This week, I have realized that what my supervisor wants out of me is to better the skills that I need to be a good Health Educator. The delivery of that message sucks. The problem with her delivery in this case is that one shouldn’t go straight to the crappy parts of another person without outlining their strengths… and after stating the things to work on emphasize that working on the weaknesses have the benefit of making the other person better, not only at their job but at life.
I know that I can make this… mental gymnastic because I have been through enough of these process to know how to analyze these interactions from all sides. This process takes a while, because I have to work with my emotional reactions as well as my analytical nature (something that my supervisor doesn’t accept as good and necessary for me).
I have dealt with enough people that manifest these opinions to recognize the patterns. Usually, I stay away from these people because I know that they are toxic to me. I can’t stay away from my supervisor. So I have to learn how to manage these situations.
What will I do with this information?
- Thank God for the process and the results.
- Not talk about this unless the situation demands it.
- Have the best perspective when dealing with the supervisor’s input, understanding that even though it doesn’t always seem like it she does want me to be better at my profession.
- Keep being myself, but look to better myself with each thing that happens. That is the healthiest thing that I can do.
Today I got dressed with a gray v-neck t-shirt, blue khakis with a black belt, gray and white socks, and black classic slip on Vans. Usually, this is the type of thing that I wear when I don’t care what I look like… except the socks. I have just grown to like funky socks and wear them with confidence.
Since I started working, I have noticed and increase in confidence and a desire to explore with clothes and style to see what truly fits me. My work environment is awesome in that aspect. I have also noticed that I lost weight because of a lifestyle change where I have had to cook more meals for work and I had to deal with severe heartburn.
Fashion to me has been the aspect of my life that has gone through the most changes. It has also been the area in my life that has suffered many restrictions. I have principles regarding clothing that won’t change, but I have not always had the confidence nor the economic freedom to explore the fullness of my style… until now. Now I can explore what is more me through fashion and find my real sense of style.
When I wore the gray t-shirt this morning I noticed how much better it looked and felt because the stomach’s smaller. I also realized how much I had grown as a person, because the clothes that I choose to wear at a particular moment is a good indicator of where I am in my life. I would have never worn the blue khakis or the funky socks if I hadn’t gotten the confidence to rock it. This is awesome, and I look forward to future positive progress in style, weight, and confidence.
I was watching a Try Guys Buzz Feed video just now, and I perceived something that caught my attention. Looking at the Try Guys Buzz Feed Video I saw how I identified with the guys experience and took mental notes, even though I hadn’t payed that much attention to it. Specifically, I saw Eugene as a reflection of how I see the world and react to things because we have the same personality type. I also saw Ned as the white guy that I see myself as.
I am Puerto Rican, so I shouldn’t identify with the white guy in theory. Yet my identity race wise is that of a white person, and I have benefited from most of the privileges that being of white race brings. So when I look at Ned, I see someone that I can relate to because of our similar experiences in the world.
I have known for a while that when I look at a show, I always favor male characters as something to identify with and as something to emulate. In my daily life, I look to guys that I consider to have certain characteristics as more like myself and find the way that they manifest certain quirks as more favorable to adopt as part of who I become. This has been true since I intentionally started this process when I was a teenager.
This would be fine by societies’ standards… if I was a biological male. I’m not. Because of this, I have kept moat of the preferences that I know that society will not accept a secret. The negative consequences are greater than I’m willing to tolerate.
I have learned to be ashamed of everything that is my own. The world did a good job instilling that in me. This has made me do everything in my power to not show anything, this includes how have I gone about forming who I am.
I look at who I am now and where I am in my life, and I find myself with a… willingness to share the source of who I am… of what I prefer. I prefer using men as role models of what I want to be and what I should be, and I identify with their experience more than with the experience of women. That’s the lens with which how I look at life.
I’m an INTJ that resists giving compliments. Why? Because of the ethical dilemma that exists in my mind because of it. I may like the choice of clothes a person makes and want to make a compliment about that, but I don’t do it because I don’t want the other person to think something that is not in my mind… and I don’t want to seem shallow to myself.
I have a specific vision of what I want to portray, ant compliments don’t fit in it. I have resisted complimenting family in their choice of clothing or how they look at a specific point in time so as to avoid misinterpretation. When I have broken the rule, I have conflict inside because I wonder if I am saying the truth.
I have complimented things that are… different, like a good prank. For the most part though compliments in general give me a ethical dilemma.
This morning I broke the no compliment rule with a guy that was wearing a nice shirt. When I gave the guy the compliment, the conflict was there. That was less than usual but still there. But something else happened. I felt that I had weight lifted off of me. I released the biological energy associated with the formed thought. That felt good. I saw a benefit of giving a compliment. It’s also supposed to make the other person feel good, but I don’t want to think about that right now.
I realized that I shouldn’t be that restrictive with myself. Thoughts on style change and so will what I want to compliment. That’s okay. It’s okay to take the risk of stating that you like another persons choice in style. It’s okay to question whether it will be true, like I as an INTJ typically does. Yet what is important about giving the compliment is that I liberate a biological energy to someone else that is good and that is true at that time. … Now I just have to believe that this is true.