Yesterday I was all day in a community activity for work as a Health Educator. My supervisor wasn’t there. I felt free to do my thing without the pressure that she imposes.
When I shared this with my co-worker, she stated that I put too much pressure on myself. I stayed quiet because I couldn’t put my response into words… yet. I knew that, even though I put pressure on myself to do quality work, my supervisor’s presence and her way of treating me is a factor in how I feel.
I have been in community activities with and without my supervisor and I notice the difference in pressure that I feel when completing different tasks at work. When she is there, I deal with the thought of being evaluated. I deal with the thought that every activity that I go with her is another thing that she will use against me in her evaluation of me.
It doesn’t help that I’m an INTJ in a Extroverted and Feeling environment. When I give my thoughts on something and I state how I feel internally, it’s like I’m speaking a different language. It makes me think that I am an alien.
After spending years getting to know myself and embrace who I am, I find myself in an environment where my progress in life is jeopardized by my supervisor’s input that who I am is unacceptable in the profession that I chose. I find myself in a work environment where I am reprimanded for playing to my strengths. I think that it is a shame and a waste of time from my supervisor’s part to shame me for playing to my strengths and using that to compensate for my weaknesses. I think that it’s wrong of my supervisor to not respect who I am and how I operate. I know that INTJs like myself are valuable in the Health Education profession, especially in the more administrative and planning part of the profession. In this profession, to get to that “promise land” I have to go through this… “desert”.
I realized yesterday that I perform better when the pressures are lessened. I perform better when left “on my own”. Yesterday I was able to play to my strengths even in a extroverted type of situation. With yesterday’s activity, my confidence to do this job improved and made me look forward to future activities… future activities where my supervisor isn’t there.