INTJs and anger

Last Thursday I had an altercation with the bass player of the church because he told me to play the piano to get the tones for things that were going to be sang on Sunday. Everytime that I tried to do it except for one, he would interrupt my process of finding it out. I got tired of it, and I knew that the problem was that our processes are different. I spoke back. He wouldn’t let me complete my idea. I was so furious because he wouldn’t let me do my thing, something that he asked me to do. I knew that he was no better than me in that department because he has as many faults as me in music. I knew I had to do something because a missionary was the person that was rehearsing. I was also pissed off because I am not allowed to show anger in the church for things that matter. I knew that I wasn’t going to control my anger biologically speaking, so I did the best thing that I could do: I left the rehearsal. I wasn’t going to be around that crap.

I as an INTJ fear what my reaction would be when I am angry in public. I feel that my control over myself diminish because the emotion that I feel is so intense that I am forced to make a balance between allowing my emotion to surface and keeping control of my behavior. I don’t like loosing control. Because of this, I choose to leave the scene in order to not cause as much damage as I think that I will cause.

On the other hand, at times I find myself leaving the scene and not standing up for what is right. I think that with anger I will never win the inner battle that I have.

I wish that there was a theory that I could use to guide what I do when I get angry in public. I don’t know if anyone has figured out how an INTJ should handle anger. What I know is that I don’t want to show anger because of the inconvenience that it presents both to myself and everyone else. I also know that it is not healthy to keep anger inside until it explodes.

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The fear of opening up to the wrong person.

I don’t think that this is purely an INTJ thing. It could be. I don’t know yet.

I have a fear of opening up to the wrong person. I don’t know yet how legitimate it is. I know that the origins are in the interactions that I had with my mother when she used my most personal thoughts against me. I learned that the best way to avoid negative reactions from her and anyone else is to not open up to anyone. I learned the art of stalling.

Stalling: the art of saying things that are true but doesn’t necessarily answer the question the way the other person expects for it to be answered. That’s how I have defined it based on how other people react when I do this.

I never think that I’m stalling. My take is that I have a natural resistance to really opening up, taking off the mask that I have made for my personal protection from other people. I sense the danger of stating what I truly think and I look for things to say that answer the question without stating my true thoughts. This, people interpret as not answering the question at all.

It doesn’t matter what I think. It only matters what people interpret. I always find myself responding more to other people’s reality than my own. This always makes me feel that my reality is never appreciated, never accounted for. My fear of opening up to people is never noticed. It is never acknowledged as something that’s normal that is a byproduct of dealing with people’s suckiness. No one wants to go through the work of earning my trust. It is easier for them to state that stalling is wrong and that I should change this behavior. This has totally worked wonders for them (sarcastic tone).

No human will ever be able to change my instinct. Only God can change this. So as long as I get the warning signs that I should stall, I will stall.

Thoughts regarding recent interactions with my supervisor.

As I write this sentence, I have no idea how to tittle this post. I do know what I want to talk about.

At work, I have had internal conflict with who my supervisor represents ever since the first staff meeting. I noticed how the group dynamics changed when my supervisor was there. To me, it felt that there was a difference in personality between who my supervisor was and who the rest of the unit where. With every thing that I saw my supervisor do, I felt that this suspicion was being confirmed.

My supervisor would make remarks about my quiet, and reserved nature. What I perceived was that my supervisor thought of who I am as inappropriate. I knew better, but I wasn’t okay with my supervisor’s remarks because of what the comments represent in an extroverted ideal society.

So I can’t put her at fault for my subjective interpretation of what her comments meant, but the reality is that it rarely matters what she means. What matters is what I think. This is true when the roles get inverted.

This week, I have realized that what my supervisor wants out of me is to better the skills that I need to be a good Health Educator. The delivery of that message sucks. The problem with her delivery in this case is that one shouldn’t go straight to the crappy parts of another person without outlining their strengths… and after stating the things to work on emphasize that working on the weaknesses have the benefit of making the other person better, not only at their job but at life.

I know that I can make this… mental gymnastic because I have been through enough of these process to know how to analyze these interactions from all sides. This process takes a while, because I have to work with my emotional reactions as well as my analytical nature (something that my supervisor doesn’t accept as good and necessary for me).

I have dealt with enough people that manifest these opinions to recognize the patterns. Usually, I stay away from these people because I know that they are toxic to me. I can’t stay away from my supervisor. So I have to learn how to manage these situations.

What will I do with this information?

  1. Thank God for the process and the results.
  2. Not talk about this unless the situation demands it.
  3. Have the best perspective when dealing with the supervisor’s input, understanding that even though it doesn’t always seem like it she does want me to be better at my profession.
  4. Keep being myself, but look to better myself with each thing that happens. That is the healthiest thing that I can do.