Thoughts on who I identify with.

I was watching a Try Guys Buzz Feed video just now, and I perceived something that caught my attention. Looking at the Try Guys Buzz Feed Video I saw how I identified with the guys experience and took mental notes, even though I hadn’t payed that much attention to it. Specifically, I saw Eugene as a reflection of how I see the world and react to things because we have the same personality type. I also saw Ned as the white guy that I see myself as.

I am Puerto Rican, so I shouldn’t identify with the white guy in theory. Yet my identity race wise is that of a white person, and I have benefited from most of the privileges that being of white race brings. So when I look at Ned, I see someone that I can relate to because of our similar experiences in the world.

I have known for a while that when I look at a show, I always favor male characters as something to identify with and as something to emulate. In my daily life, I look to guys that I consider to have certain characteristics as more like myself and find the way that they manifest certain quirks as more favorable to adopt as part of who I become. This has been true since I intentionally started this process when I was a teenager.

This would be fine by societies’ standards… if I was a biological male. I’m not. Because of this, I have kept moat of the preferences that I know that society will not accept a secret. The negative consequences are greater than I’m willing to tolerate.

I have learned to be ashamed of everything that is my own. The world did a good job instilling that in me. This has made me do everything in my power to not show anything, this includes how have I gone about forming who I am.

I look at who I am now and where I am in my life, and I find myself with a… willingness to share the source of who I am… of what I prefer. I prefer using men as role models of what I want to be and what I should be, and I identify with their experience more than with the experience of women. That’s the lens with which how I look at life.

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