Style, weight, and confidence.

Today I got dressed with a gray v-neck t-shirt, blue khakis with a black belt, gray and white socks, and black classic slip on Vans. Usually, this is the type of thing that I wear when I don’t care what I look like… except the socks. I have just grown to like funky socks and wear them with confidence.

Since I started working, I have noticed and increase in confidence and a desire to explore with clothes and style to see what truly fits me. My work environment is awesome in that aspect. I have also noticed that I lost weight because of a lifestyle change where I have had to cook more meals for work and I had to deal with severe heartburn.

Fashion to me has been the aspect of my life that has gone through the most changes. It has also been the area in my life that has suffered many restrictions. I have principles regarding clothing that won’t change, but I have not always had the confidence nor the economic freedom to explore the fullness of my style… until now. Now I can explore what is more me through fashion and find my real sense of style.

When I wore the gray t-shirt this morning I noticed how much better it looked and felt because the stomach’s smaller. I also realized how much I had grown as a person, because the clothes that I choose to wear at a particular moment is a good indicator of where I am in my life. I would have never worn the blue khakis or the funky socks if I hadn’t gotten the confidence to rock it. This is awesome, and I look forward to future positive progress in style, weight, and confidence.

 

Thoughts on who I identify with.

I was watching a Try Guys Buzz Feed video just now, and I perceived something that caught my attention. Looking at the Try Guys Buzz Feed Video I saw how I identified with the guys experience and took mental notes, even though I hadn’t payed that much attention to it. Specifically, I saw Eugene as a reflection of how I see the world and react to things because we have the same personality type. I also saw Ned as the white guy that I see myself as.

I am Puerto Rican, so I shouldn’t identify with the white guy in theory. Yet my identity race wise is that of a white person, and I have benefited from most of the privileges that being of white race brings. So when I look at Ned, I see someone that I can relate to because of our similar experiences in the world.

I have known for a while that when I look at a show, I always favor male characters as something to identify with and as something to emulate. In my daily life, I look to guys that I consider to have certain characteristics as more like myself and find the way that they manifest certain quirks as more favorable to adopt as part of who I become. This has been true since I intentionally started this process when I was a teenager.

This would be fine by societies’ standards… if I was a biological male. I’m not. Because of this, I have kept moat of the preferences that I know that society will not accept a secret. The negative consequences are greater than I’m willing to tolerate.

I have learned to be ashamed of everything that is my own. The world did a good job instilling that in me. This has made me do everything in my power to not show anything, this includes how have I gone about forming who I am.

I look at who I am now and where I am in my life, and I find myself with a… willingness to share the source of who I am… of what I prefer. I prefer using men as role models of what I want to be and what I should be, and I identify with their experience more than with the experience of women. That’s the lens with which how I look at life.

Giving compliments.

I’m an INTJ that resists giving compliments. Why? Because of the ethical dilemma that exists in my mind because of it. I may like the choice of clothes a person makes and want to make a compliment about that, but I don’t do it because I don’t want the other person to think something that is not in my mind… and I don’t want to seem shallow to myself.

I have a specific vision of what I want to portray, ant compliments don’t fit in it. I have resisted complimenting family in their choice of clothing or how they look at a specific point in time so as to avoid misinterpretation. When I have broken the rule, I have conflict inside because I wonder if I am saying the truth.

I have complimented things that are… different, like a good prank. For the most part though compliments in general give me a ethical dilemma.

This morning I broke the no compliment rule with a guy that was wearing a nice shirt. When I gave the guy the compliment, the conflict was there. That was less than usual but still there. But something else happened. I felt that I had weight lifted off of me. I released the biological energy associated with the formed thought. That felt good. I saw a benefit of giving a compliment. It’s also supposed to make the other person feel good, but I don’t want to think about that right now.

I realized that I shouldn’t be that restrictive with myself. Thoughts on style change and so will what I want to compliment. That’s okay. It’s okay to take the risk of stating that you like another persons choice in style. It’s okay to question whether it will be true, like I as an INTJ typically does. Yet what is important about giving the compliment is that I liberate a biological energy to someone else that is good and that is true at that time. … Now I just have to believe that this is true.

What no dress code means to me.

The impression that I got at my new job when I saw what no dress code meant was “you have permission to wear jeans every day”. Grant it, I was told this while wearing a suit.

When I heard that there is no dress code, I got pissed off at my sister-in-law because she put in me the idea that I needed to wear suits every day to give an aura of professionalism the day before and, because of that, I had bought several suits the day before. When I told this to her, she justified her actions as necessary… just like my mother would.

The second thing that I thought of was that I didn’t have to worry that I would wear something that wasn’t professional, because no one was going to reprimand me for what I wore… be it something really dressy or something really casual.

After that first week, I realized that I was in a place where I could explore what I wanted my professional style to be to the fullest extent. I could slowly incorporate different elements to my style, like boots, fancy colored socks, wingtips, and watches, without fear.

This is something I plan to take full advantage of.

My 25th Year.

Haven’t written in a while. Crazy busy. On to topic.

Today, September 13th, 2016, has been the last day that I lived as a 25 year old. On these days I always think about how much I am going to miss stating that I’m the age that I am finishing living. Then the birthday passes and it goes away.

The weeks before my birthday, I always take some time to reflect on the year that has passed. The successes, the failures, everything in between. It’s one of the two fixed times that I take to evaluate my progress in life, New Years being the other. This is the time where I look at the big picture.

This time last year, my thought is that I wasn’t worthy of becoming 25. I was in a state of limbo and I was battling feelings of failure. It was the first time that my initial plans weren’t happening where I had no plan B to fall back on.

Now, I’m out of that state of limbo. I have made ridiculous progress in my  life that has taken place since June… even though I can’t deny that the state of limbo had a purpose in God’s eyes. God has made my mission in life a bit clearer. God has worked my life in ways that I didn’t imagine that he would. God closed so many doors when it came to my job search and my academic pursuit, but he opened the door that I was meant to pass through. Now that I have had the time to look back and see the big picture of this last year, I get a sense of God’s plans and a sense of the importance of each step I take. The period that I was in the state of limbo sucked, but that period makes me appreciate where I am now even more.

Tomorrow I will be 26 years old. Today I can say that I am happy to leave 25 years old where it’s at. I am good with the progress that I have made in life. I can look forward to my 27th year lived in this Earth. I know that God’s work is not over. I can rest in his hands. I have learned over the years that God won’t let go of me that easily. I just have to have faith in Him and walk forward.