What matters when you do something…

…is what the other person interprets about what you do. It doesn’t matter why you do it. You can do something with the most noble intention, but if the other person takes it as a disrespectful action then it doesn’t matter. You might as well go into damage control mode. #peoplesuck

Advertisements

When the idea of starting to look for a relationship with the idea of getting married starts becoming a good idea.

This is one of the most feared statements to admit. As an INTJ that projects an image of logic and not wanting a relationship, the idea that I might want to enter into that commitment of a relationship with the goal of marriage is… paradigm crushing. In my case, I have had certain issues that made me not want to enter a relationship. It wasn’t going to be fair to the partner, and it was going to cause both of us more harm than good. I love being free to do my own thing, to be my introverted self. I didn’t have an interest in getting married, anyway. Relationship… that I wanted, but it was for selfish reasons.

This question of whether it would be a good idea to be in a relationship isn’t new. I get confronted with it frequently. But it has only been recently, induced by my sister’s marriage, that I have taken more of a serious multi-dimensional look at this question.

I realized that, based on who I am and my spiritual path, I should consider the idea of getting married. I also realized that there are more factors that I have to consider when figuring out if I should start looking for a mate. Not just whether I was in a spiritual place where I was stable enough to look for a mate, but whether I could contribute evenly to the relationship. I concluded that I might not be ready for a relationship, much less a marriage, because I don’t have all of the arbitrary requirements to have a “successful” marriage.

For these reasons, I know that I am still not ready for marriage… but I am more willing to prepare for that possibility.

Feeling confident at work.

I started my first full-time job 2 weeks ago. It’s draining… to say the least. It has become a challenge to maintain my church commitments without wanting to fall asleep in the middle of them. I have had so many new experiences, without the time to really analyze them. This means that, as an INTJ, I make observations about myself and my surroundings and are not able to process them for a while.

For me, being able to work is a miracle from God. It was hard to land my first full-time job… because I am just starting my professional career and had few prior work experiences. I was and still work part-time for a non-profit, but it felt like I wasn’t working at all. It’s not that I didn’t work. It was that I felt that it wasn’t enough to calm my feelings of failure to meet standards implicitly placed by my siblings.

During my first week of work, I was asked how I was doing, what I thought about work, and what did I feel. That’s a big mistake! I didn’t know where I stood in regards to my job. I hadn’t had time to process what was going on in my mind. I did realize that I was (and still am) really naive when it comes to wordly things. I realized that working has other benefits besides the economic aspect of it, like keeping oneself occupied and productive and gaining experience in a professional environment.

During my second week of work, something came to my attention that was unexpected: I started feeling confident. Okay, so the word that I used at the time was sexy. This was a big deal, because I have very few memories of feeling sexy and confident. When I did my supervised practice in my masters degree, I suffered every mourning when I had to choose what I would wear. I had too many worries and forced myself into few options. Now I dress for work  with a free mentality and dress to feel good, not just to look professional. I look at myself in the mirror and see confidence.

The most important change that I noticed was that I stopped thinking about what others thought about me and started to think about feeling good and feeling free from my own restraint. At work I am seeing a manifestation of this change in me, and this is why I have been feeling confident at work.