Realizing that I am naive and I am a hypocrite.

I started my first full time job this past week. As an INTJ, I started to make mental notes of everything that was happening. I couldn’t analyze them completely, thought, because I hadn’t had time alone to process things. In the bits and pieces that I was able to process I started realizing that my adoptive father’s statement that I was really naive was true. I also started seeing my hypocrisy in things that I thought about and probably stated in the past.

I saw my perspective change as the week progressed. I saw that employment is more complicated than what I thought (which was nothing because I didn’t have to think about it). I started seeing how the job would affect my capacity to do my own things, my capacity to keep certain commitments that I had in my church. I realized why some people in my church were so limited in what they could do. I realized that I was going to embark on the same type of behaviors that I had internally criticized. I saw how I was going to have to deal with my shortcomings as a person. I saw the imminent reality that I was going to have to treat myself in a more crueler manner than what I did with those people in my church.

Let me be clear: most of this conflict happened internally, so the only people (other than myself) who suffered were the versions of everyone else that exists in my mind.  Yet I feel bad, because I reacted out of ignorance and without mercy. I feel that a mental process is going to be required if I am going to be mentally okay. I don’t think that accepting my shortcomings as a human is enough to right my wrongs or to stop myself from treating myself with cruelty. Yet I know that recognition and confession of my shortcomings is a part of the process.

There is much I need to learn. As I go through the different stages of life I realize my past limitations. I realize how off my thoughts were from truth. I realize that every time that I say that I know and that I’m wise something new emerges that shows me that I am not. I may never be able to say that I’m wise and that I have knowledge with the certainty that that is true. I might always be naive and always be a hypocrite, but I know nothing.

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