On this past week, I helped Dad (adoptive father) with a children’s ministry camp he and his wife coordinated. Well… I tried. I don’t think that I really helped… other than take pictures of everything. I am biased, though, because I am my worst critic. All I see, all I see first is every time that I failed him. All I see is every time that I disappointed him.
I think that I was more of a disturbance than a benefit. I was trusted with setting up the camps sound system on the first day. I failed miserably. I could state all the things that happened that I had no control over, but I know that I didn’t do the task correctly. The next day, I had to attend other matters and I couldn’t make it to the camp. I was told how efficient they were. I saw that my absence seemed to be better than my presence. So I made the decision that I was going to keep a distance and not try to help out with sound system. I decided to stick to the only thing that wasn’t done on that day: take pictures. On the next days that I attended, I saw how things ran smoother without me, something that I already knew. Yet Dad wanted me to help… even when I failed the first time.
I don’t get it. I can’t understand why even though I screwed up so many times in the last 5 days he still finds me trustworthy. Didn’t I prove that I am not? I know that I am not trustworthy. Why can’t he see it? Or is it that I am not seeing something that he sees?
What I am certain of is that trustworthiness has more to do with the person that is trusting than whoever is being trusted with something. Whether disappointment occurs has more to do with how the person who is wronged sees things than with the person that is doing wrong.
I don’t know whether Dad was/is disappointed in me for my actions or not. I might never know, because I don’t plan on taking about it. I am disappointed at myself and I don’t see myself as someone trustworthy to get things done right.