By using a calculator.
Pray to God… having faith that he will respond… and await the response.
In April, I found out that I was denied admission to the psychology degree at a public university in Puerto Rico. I tried to see what I could do to get a second chance… that second chance seemed like a low probability occurrence by both me and the program admission coordinator. 4 people had to drop out to be admitted. Only a miracle from God would have made that be. So I decided to leave it be, and focus on getting a job.
I saw a position on an organization that sparked my interests and I decided to apply. I was scheduled for an interview, but was canceled at last minute. I wasn’t contacted again. I decided to let it be.
Having near victories in succession increased my stress level. I felt that I was failing in life because I was going no where. After a speech from my adoptive Dad, I realized that something had to change: something had to change in me. I applied to several jobs. I prayed to God, confessing my feelings toward this and the fact that I knew something had to change. Last night, I prayed to God for direction for my life. I prayed with the mentality that God would direct me to the job that God wanted me to have.
Today, I get a call from the psychology program. Enough people had dropped out and denied the admission to the program so that a spot was available to me. I accepted the spot, obviously, and got admitted. I saw God’s direction. I witnessed the miracle of entering the psychology program this year. God did it.
Last Thursday I took a risk and shared my feelings regarding the playoffs with the female youth group minister. This is a big deal because I had been burying my basketball past for 10 years… give or take. She reacted in a disinterested manner, but stayed and listened.
Yesterday, when I share with her how the Cleveland vs Golden State game is going, she makes it known that she is not interested by searching and divulging the results of the Puerto Rican primary elections over what I was saying. Got the message clear, lady. You are not interested. Way of going about it in a bitchy way.
I’m pissed. This is not an acceptable reaction for anyone, especially her. She is one of the youth group ministers. She has to react better than that. On that reaction alone, she shouldn’t be the youth group minister past this year. If you can’t be supportive of a young adult’s interest even if they are not your interests, then you can’t be the youth group minister because your reactions will screw an adolescent up.
This event only served to support my biases against women. I can’t trust her, which serves to confirm my assumption that I can’t trust women. I shouldn’t share my deepest feelings and thoughts on anything. I should do all that I can to run away from that evil. I should wear masks around them at all times.
Yet, I find myself making the type of mistake described here time and time again. This makes me pissed off at myself and at God. Why can’t God stop me from making this mistake? Why haven’t I learned this lesson after 25 years of horrible experiences in this area of my life? Why haven’t I figured this thing out so that I don’t keep repeating the same mistake? I may never know the answer to these questions. All I know is that people suck… and I’m pissed off because of this display of suckiness.