Last post, I wrote about going through the process of singing one of my songs at church. I got an interesting feedback from Dad that gives me mixed thoughts. I thought it be best to put it in a separate post.
When Dad talks about my lack of skill in terms of relating to people, he always uses as a standard a song that I performed in 2008 that I wrote when I was in Venezuela that year, because he saw that I was more… human? He states that I showed more of who I was and that I was more confident or something when I performed that time. He always stated that I hadn’t shown that which he saw since and that he thinks that it’s a shame because of the good he saw in that moment. I don’t know. I didn’t notice it at the time.
After last Sunday’s service, I go to where Dad is to say hi… by kicking him softly behind his left knee (totally something that a socially awkward INTJ would do). He gave me his feedback to the whole performance thing. He stated that I shattered the standard placed in 2008. He said that he had to look at the altar a few times to make sure it was me up there. He told me that I was more fluid and had more confidence in performing the new song, both in what I said before singing and in performing the song itself. He stated that I showed more humanity in the song… whatever that means.
That’s fine, and I respect his opinion. However, at times Dad’s evaluation makes me think that the process that I undertake to write each song I performed between 2008-2016 is undermined by performing the songs under an analytic and rational perspective. I always had the philosophy that I should let the song “speak for itself” and not adorn it with too many words. This type of feedback makes me think that the song itself, and everything that I put into it’s creation, is not enough. That sucks.
I have noticed that I have become more fluid with speaking before performing a song. I got older, so I have acquired experience and knowledge that allows me to have more to say. I have also become more comfortable with speaking prior to a song. I have noticed a more preacher mentality in the last song performances that I have done, something that didn’t happen until 2014-15. However, seeing that he still used an old performance as a standard made me think that this change had little value.
This feedback doesn’t take into account that I do have to take off my musician hat to put my performance hat, something that no one else has to do. Dad doesn’t give me a little slack because of my time restriction in at service preparation. Oh well.
In summary, his evaluation is based on a criteria that is hard to recognize… even harder to master. Because of this, I think that getting to the level that he tells me that I should be is going to always be an achievement that is “luck-based” than something that I can work on to master. This is what makes me most uncomfortable about his feedback.