I have an aversion to letting people become adoptive parents. The main issue is that the parent side seems to like the idea of the dynamic, but not want to put the work needed to create and sustain it. The other thing is that most don’t take into account my needs when interacting with me. I have had way too many experiences with that to keep away from it.
To make matters worse, I have deep rooted biases against women. In fact, I have never identified with women in general. Their “adventures” are about cooking, cleaning, child rearing, among other mundane stuff, and that makes them boring to me. I have found them to be judgmental and they want to change me to their liking. They feel that they can invade my personal space when they don’t have permission to do so. I have found it difficult to find a female that doesn’t make me want to run away.
Because of my biases towards women, I have been hesitant to accepting someone else to fill the role of Mom. I cut ties with my biological mother 4 years ago. That was one of the best decisions that I have made, and one of the hardest in terms of execution and consequences. Outside of the biological family, I have had an adoptive mother from 2005-2012. She was great, not perfect (no one is). When she left for the US to take care of her husband’s health in 2012 I was… affected. She was gone and there was no one to replace her (God wanted it that way, I understand that now). I felt that she was going to be hard to replace because the standard was high. Soon after, I realized that I didn’t want a mother. I have experienced life without a mother, and I have been fine. I believe that I don’t need it.
Since that time, two women have tried: my friend’s wife and Dad’s wife. The first failed because of the faults mentioned at the beginning of the post. The second one seems to be an anomaly.
In the case of my not so new adoptive parents, they have shown that they were serious in adopting me as their child. That’s good. It’s obvious that the main dynamic developed is with Dad. There is no denying that he is more accessible and we have more in common. Mom doesn’t seem to mind that, which is awesome. With Mom, I didn’t really have to do anything to earn her desire to take on the role of adoptive mother. That is weird to me because I don’t understand it.
For me, the main difference between Mom and the other females is not necessarily in who she is, but in how she has handled my interactions with Dad. Because of how similar she is to the female’s that I want to run away from, I have been hesitant to engage with her. I have done it mainly out of respect for Dad’s wishes for me to engage with both of them.
As I have engaged with Mom, I have found certain ethical dilemmas. Being with her hasn’t been as bad as I thought it was going to be. It has shaken my long-standing idea that having a mother should be avoided at all costs. I have seen the value of having parents, both parents, as an adult. I hang out with Mom and I get the thought that I’m going against something that I stand for. I get the feeling that I’m failing myself.
I keep going because I don’t want her to know the battle that goes on inside. I still haven’t taken the time to deal with this properly. I sometimes want to run away and stay in the comfort that keeping all women at bay provided. It’s obvious to me that it’s too late for that. I am hesitant to change my paradigms regarding women and interactions with women. I don’t know how to change it to accommodate the new data. I don’t want to screw up my theoretical foundations and become unnecessarily vulnerable. I don’t think that I’m ready to do this yet, especially with all of the changes that I’m experiencing in my life at this time. I think that this might shake a portion of the foundation of who I am and what I represent. That is scary to me. I might never be fully ready to engage in this process, but I know that I need to resolve the ethical dilemma soon.