How to love an INTJ?

Is loving an INTJ different than loving anyone else? Biologically? No. The body’s reaction is the same, biologically speaking. The manifestation of love may be different because the other person is an INTJ. Based on personal preferences, I have a list of ways that INTJs feel loved by someone else.

  1. Value their ideas. This is a big deal. Someone that doesn’t value an INTJs ideas, they are idiots who aren’t deserving of our time. If you listen and value an INTJs ideas, the INTJ will feel that you are someone that is showing interest in their inner world of ideas and will feel that the risk of sharing ideas is worth taking with you.
  2. Leave the INTJ alone after a while trusting that we won’t do anything stupid. Other people are tiring after a while, even those deemed important by the INTJ. The way to replenish after spending time with other humans is to be alone, maybe sleep it off. Leave the INTJ be. This, if done right, can be interpreted by the INTJ as an indicator that you care enough about the INTJs well-being to not bother us for a while without questioning (at least without judgement) what we do in that time.
  3. Take the physical contact slow. Okay, so this may not apply to everyone… it does to me. Again, this is based on personal preference. I prefer taking it slow because physical contact is either uncomfortable or overwhelming. Most people do it wrong, but that is because most people are strangers who shouldn’t put their hands on me to begin with. That being said, in order to earn the privilege of putting your hands on this INTJ you hve to earn the privilege of not being in the status of stranger in the INTJs mind. You also have to ensure that the space is safe enough for INTJs to feel okay about taking the risk of receiving and giving physical affection with you. Don’t push it either. This is very much like the sowing and reaping parables of the New Testament. When the INTJ does initiate contact, don’t reject it. It actually takes a lot of biological energy to take the risk the first time and negative feedback from you is an indicator to the INTJ to retract once again. Done right, you will be able to give and receive physical affection that is good for both you and the INTJ and will be a manifestation of love.
  4. Don’t expose the INTJ to too much noise all the time. INTJs like calm. It allows them to concentrate. More importantly, it allows them to concentrate on you. Too much noise, too many annoying kids, too many conversations going on around you and the INTJ is distracting to the INTJ and quality time will not be achieved. Also, too many extroverted activities planned without mercy is a turnoff to the INTJ (and an indicator that the other person is a little selfish).
  5. Don’t push the INTJ for an answer when they don’t have one. We don’t know everything. There is going to come a time when we will be asked a question that we have no answer to. If we do try to give one we will soon find that it is wrong and feel like crap about answering the question in the first place. Fact is, not giving an answer has two motivations: we know what the answer is but we don’t feel safe sharing it yet, we don’t know the answer because we haven’t thought about it. Be patient. Let the INTJ figure it out on its own. He’ll give you an answer when he’s ready.
  6. Share stuff that you think it’s good for the INTJ to know voluntarily. For me, I am not a person to ask personal details. If it does happen, it’s usually out of concern for the other person’s well-being (if this does occur, it’s… special). I prefer to let the other person share on their own, to have the power that comes with information about themselves and the world around them. If they don’t share, I won’t ask out of respect for that power. If they share, I will take it as an indicator of achieving increased trust and openness. I will only know what you share, and I’m okay with that.
  7. Allow the INTJ to express themselves in writing. We don’t do as well at verbal communication as we do in written communication. If you want to show that you care for the INTJ, be accessible through multiple forms of communication, especially email.

2 thoughts on “How to love an INTJ?

  1. vam

    I have a become good friends online with a man who I believe is intj. I am female and infj. It’s a struggle sometimes to understand the silence when he doesn’t communicate for days. We’ve been doing this for 6 years. We have never met in person. I tend to think because he still makes the effort that he thinks I’m worth it. I care about him a lot but the differences make me struggle with doubt. I need reassurance and he doesn’t seem to. We are not a couple so I just try to remain patient with him and take what attention he is willing to offer. I am grateful for all I have read about the intj because it has made his behavior much more understandable and I am relieved by that.


  2. Agreed.

    I have been blissfully and wonderfully married for 10+ years now, with two (yes, 2) failed marriages prior to this one. This time, I married another INTJ. It might not work for everyone but it worked for us, and I’d say that God’s grace had a lot to do with it, too.

    My husband is a quiet guy, he trusts me implicitly, he gives me a lot of independence, and he’s a writer.


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