Being surprised when people stay.

I am more aware of the progress of human dynamics since I became a spiritual adult. I tackle it as a strategic task filled with emotional episodes. As a minor, most human dynamics are based on academic situations and don’t last long. I learned that no human dynamic last long at a specific state and that they change, usually negatively, quickly. Once I serve no function to them, I am discarded. I learned to have no expectations of people as a defense mechanism.

So when one, two, three, four or more years pass and people stay and get closer to me I am genuinely surprised. I still don’t know what they see that motivates them to choose to be exposed to whatever I have to offer. I don’t know what motivates them to stay even though I purposely put them on probation and use that as a reason to throw whatever I think of at them.

I think that I am just as sucky, if not more, as everybody else. I am not a good friend, adoptive child, partner. Yet people stay. Do they not see what I see? Or do they see something that I don’t see?

It could be that the process of selection of people to have close to oneself is based on the evaluation of a first impression, which tends to be based on the question of “what good things does this person have?” Later on, when weaknesses are revealed, what seems to happen is that the weaknesses are taken as a part of the person without invalidating the good already established. It just means that there is progress in a human dynamic because the revelation of weaknesses are a byproduct of intimacy. I don’t know whether there is a conscious decision to stay or leave; a conscious decision to love or to not love.


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