Tonight a fellow musician shared something that God told him about how our dynamic was through a dream, that led him to make the decision to break things off with me. I became aware of how much I suck, how much of a dick I really am. It was an emotional hit. Made it hard to concentrate in the service. I became sad because I was the source of someone else’s pain. I became aware of my selfishness and self-centered actions and attitude.
I envision a future restoring of my dynamic with him that includes his wife, to be able to finally have something with them as a couple. But receiving this information made me realize that I am not ready for that vision to be fulfilled. I will screw it up, even if I don’t want to. I know that God won’t even consider it knowing that I still suck.
There is only one course of action: repent, reformulate my perspective of the whole situation so that it’s aligned with God’s perspective, and work on myself to be better without the expectation of anyone or anything else changing.
Because of this realization, I, at some point, want to apologize to the man for being a dick. I also want to thank the man who decided to not back away from sharing the dream that God gave him.
I thank God for this uncomfortable but necessary experience. It’s humbling, which is important. Being able to clearly see my past and to have the opportunity to work on my weakness is something to be thankful for. I see the mercy of God and God making me aware of my need to understand the totality of my crappyness and my need to change. I hope that God will guide me through this necessary change.