In the last post, I was writing about experiences that I have had with my parents where I was asked for information about specific circumstances and my answer was that I didn’t go that far. I wrote the first situation where my father was in the other end of the conversation, and the second situation was with my mother. In parenthesis I wrote “Sorry Dad and Mom”, referencing who was on the other end of the conversation (I am really not sorry). I realized that I was writing the phrase in the “wrong” order. One’s parents are referred to “Mom and Dad”. I had a screw it attitude and left the post as is presented.
I wondered why is the mother mentioned before the father. Tends to roll of the tongue better, right? I don’t know. I do know that it doesn’t seem to cause any mental energy outburst as Dad and Mom did. In Spanish Dad and Mom (Padre y Madre, Papi y Mami) is the norm. I briefly googled it and found that both are okay in English language. Yet I found Dad and Mom ethically problematic, probably because I attached to it the idea that I was purposely giving my mother explicit second class status in the family. In my family, it was rather complicated the discussion of gender equality because it was not modeled by my parents. It also doesn’t help that I have cut ties with my mother and I am wondering whether I buried my mother: the person that she was. It felt really close to dishonoring my mother because of where my mind went when contemplating changing the order permanently to Dad and Mom.
Because my parents made some very critical mistakes and because of them I don’t have a relationship with my mother, God and I have reached and acceptable agreement of what the line between honoring my parents and dishonoring them is: don’t deny that they are your parents. I know rationally that as long as her name is in the sentence I am okay in that agreement, but it still feels that I am degrading the parent that she was. She is still the person who was my parent and I have to acknowledge that, but everything else is… negotiable.
Will I ever get to embrace the idea of Dad and Mom? I don’t know.