Secrets

I have learned to keep secrets. Ever since I was a child. I kept a lot of secrets in my short life. About things that I have done, things that I have thought, things that I like, things that I have said, and things that I have become. I have kept secrets for a variety of reasons. They range from because they are not important in my daily life to keeping secrets because I am ashamed of myself. I have kept secrets because my instinct was to keep secrets. I have kept secrets because I didn’t think that the world could handle myself as I am.

I have slipped in keeping myself a secret from my surroundings. Most times I have met with negative feedback. Even when I have encountered positive feedback, I feel that I should never give an update about it because the reaction might be different. I think that the other person doesn’t really want to know anything else about it.

I have kept myself secret for so long that it’s difficult for me to apply the Bible verse that states that I need to die to self. I have known about the fact that I had never truly been myself when I was 19. I’m 25 now and I still believe that I haven’t lived as my true self. I’m under the thought that I never will.

Keeping secrets from the world is second nature to me. No one can know the truth about me or else the world will cease to exist as we know it. It’s probably true, but I always think of it in a negative manner: that the world will fare worse once my truth comes out; once I start living in my truth.

Will I ever stop keeping secrets? Probably not. There are some secrets that I can keep that are not fundamental to my existence. Luxury secrets, I may call them. I keep a lot of fundamental, character forming, shameful secrets. It may not be healthy to keep them forever, but I’m not ready to release them yet. I may never be ready. I can’t accept the world knowing what I don’t want to accept in myself. What I can’t handle loosing control over.

Keeping secrets might be something that appears to benefit the secret keeper. It’s something that threatens quality of life and health. Keeping secrets is self restraining in every aspect of life where the secret can leave it’s mark… somewhere. Keeping secrets makes me feel that my life is becoming physically shorter the longer I let them reign. But I’m not prepared to let those secrets become known by other people.

I have been told by my friend that I am a hard person to get to know. He knows plenty of things about me because he has earned the privilege of being in my inner social circle. I could tell him that I am a hard person to get to know because I am not used to talk about many personal things, but the mayor reason that I don’t tell him many things is because I keep secrets. Secrets that take enormous efforts to tell. I even keep the secret of how many secrets I keep… but I think that’s because I haven’t counted them all.

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