Thoughts on February 1st

I don’t know what to write about yet. I guess that I’m just writing to be disciplined about it. Or maybe I’m writing in hopes of writing about something that someone else finds important enough to read.

I don’t know why that would be, because I write with a certain amount of redundancy and pesimism. I find that blogging isn’t always about helping others, but it is more about helping yourself. It’s about earning the thought that you are doing something important, even if you are not. It’s about getting your voice out there, making use of an outlet for speaking up (well, typing up what’s in your mind at a particular moment). It’s about feeling connected to other people and not just being a silent observer.

What I write about in this blog is true, or at least I try to be truthful in what I choose to publish. I still have things that I strive to hide, just like anyone else. Things that I am ashamed off. Things that I think would damage the persona that I want to be, what I want to portray here. I fear that it might not be the truth or that something would jeopardize that which I want to show of myself. As honest as I want to be with the world, I can’t deny that I still wear a mask both in my offline life and my online life: a concrete mask and a digital mask. For the most part, I don’t want to have to wear a mask. At times though I am aware that revealing my true self will change humanity as we know it. Okay, so the only thing that might change is humanity as it has been created in my mind. I just know that the change that will happen will be negative in nature and I think that humans can’t handle it,.. including myself.

I realize that God confirming my spiritual adulthood does not mean that I’m exempt from crappiness and a need to become better as a person and as a Christian. Having people look up to me doesn’t mean that my flaws are no longer; what it does mean is that my flaws are in more danger of being discovered. What I am is in danger of being discovered.

I have no organization for this blog post, just writing whatever occurs to me. It might be random, it might not. I don’t know. I am lazy enough to not revise it (not sorry about that). I don’t need to share it. I just want to put something that I wrote out there without perceiving the negative consequences of having this content being attached to who I am. That’s all.

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