We love the sounds our bodies make. As a crass woman I’m perpetually delighted in each and every fart, gasp, sigh, rumble, queef, or slap my body produces.
In the last post, I was writing about experiences that I have had with my parents where I was asked for information about specific circumstances and my answer was that I didn’t go that far. I wrote the first situation where my father was in the other end of the conversation, and the second situation was with my mother. In parenthesis I wrote “Sorry Dad and Mom”, referencing who was on the other end of the conversation (I am really not sorry). I realized that I was writing the phrase in the “wrong” order. One’s parents are referred to “Mom and Dad”. I had a screw it attitude and left the post as is presented.
I wondered why is the mother mentioned before the father. Tends to roll of the tongue better, right? I don’t know. I do know that it doesn’t seem to cause any mental energy outburst as Dad and Mom did. In Spanish Dad and Mom (Padre y Madre, Papi y Mami) is the norm. I briefly googled it and found that both are okay in English language. Yet I found Dad and Mom ethically problematic, probably because I attached to it the idea that I was purposely giving my mother explicit second class status in the family. In my family, it was rather complicated the discussion of gender equality because it was not modeled by my parents. It also doesn’t help that I have cut ties with my mother and I am wondering whether I buried my mother: the person that she was. It felt really close to dishonoring my mother because of where my mind went when contemplating changing the order permanently to Dad and Mom.
Because my parents made some very critical mistakes and because of them I don’t have a relationship with my mother, God and I have reached and acceptable agreement of what the line between honoring my parents and dishonoring them is: don’t deny that they are your parents. I know rationally that as long as her name is in the sentence I am okay in that agreement, but it still feels that I am degrading the parent that she was. She is still the person who was my parent and I have to acknowledge that, but everything else is… negotiable.
Will I ever get to embrace the idea of Dad and Mom? I don’t know.
- What pisses us off is more related to the big picture than the actual event.
- Beginning to feel that things have reached a normal + experience status is more about feeling safe to let ourselves do so than actually having reached that state.
- We will label you an idiot if you are idiotic, even though our mind tells us from time to time that one idiotic action doesn’t make you an idiot. We can’t help it.
- Our intuition sucks when planning things with the memory of what a space was.
- We don’t consider important to find out details about something that could be important but the other person doesn’t divulge to us voluntarily. We are perfectly content to know that your wife is hospitalized and not know where she is. We are perfectly content just knowing that someone died and don’t feel the need to ask for the name of the cadaver. (Sorry Dad and Mom… light bulb for another post)
- We think too much. You have no idea.
- We have a vision for everything. We have a dream… for even the most mundane things. I have a vision of what my dream space will look like. I have a vision for my adoptive parents’ Christmas presents.
- We share our dreams, visions, ideas, and mental accomplishments to give ourselves bonus points for our awesome ideas.
- When we say to someone that we love them, we mean it with all of our cold stone heart. We have also spent many hours of biological energy in the mental process of being able to tell you that we love you without thinking that we are lying to you. Be grateful that we were willing to go through that process, because it means that you matter to us.
- We care to look good for ourselves, and our concept of being fly is not the same as the rest of the world’s idea of cool. If we do something that seems mainstream, it is not because we care about you. It is because we find it convenient.
- We care about you… if you are considered important in our mind’s. It doesn’t matter whether you have been around for 10 years or for 1 year, if you are not considered important we don’t really care about you.
- We have values that are hard to break. Values that are not aligned with anything that this world has to offer. It’s unique to us because we created our value system.
- We know better… about our areas of expertise.
- We analyze everything. Our eyes are like the NSA airport scanner… without the x-ray.
- We like to be mysterious and have control over what we project of ourselves. We want to be people that are attractive because of our potential to offer depth and hidden gems. We want to be our own versions of the mysterious James Bond type figure. We will want to edit our memories completely… to our liking… if we can. Because we can’t, we will just keep parts of our life away from the public eye.
Last night the Social Psychology class was dedicated to working on a group assignment that we were supposed to do on Monday, but no one had read the assigned chapter. Last night, our group met to try to finish the assignment in one sitting. Soon after the meeting started, I realized how much my group sucked. They didn’t even understand what the instructions were. Therefore, I had to rely mainly on what I had done on my tablet (equipment used for the meeting) a few hours earlier.
Another group member had done something similar and gave me the work on USB, but as I was reading it I realized that what she did sucked. She didn’t focus on our attitudes and instead focused on the selection of the characters. Her grammar and her writing style is hard to correct. To top that, she had to leave early because her ride was waiting and the way that she managed that made her look like a jerk. She didn’t apologize for the inconvenience and was in a mentality of “It’s late and I did my work, therefore I am justified in leaving. You keep working and I will just read it once you are done to approve.” My attitude towards her changed that very moment for the worse.
I don’t like working in groups to finish a project because I think it’s inefficient and because I work better alone, but I went along with it. Okay, so I went along with it because the usual method of dividing the work and leaving was proving to be more troublesome than me staying and ensuring that the work was done right. At the end of the meeting, I said that I was going to finish the work and share it. I usually don’t like taking the leadership role because it’s not my style. I am making an exception because I know better and I know that the work will be so much better if I am in charge.
In my Social Psychology class, I have experienced what it is to be an older college student. I’m 25, with two degrees. Most of my classmates are doing their bachelor’s degree. I can say that it is a interesting perspective to have.
One thing that has happened is that I find myself being the academic counselor in the class. People ask me about graduate degrees in psychology and about managing academic aspects of bachelor’s degree. It’s interesting, because I am not in that system as a regular student and I am finding myself taking risks in giving options to solve issues about curriculum and getting towards completing their degree.
In the last 2 sessions the professor has assigned group work for us students to accomplish. In the first session, we were told that a nuclear disaster was imminent, and we needed to pick 6 people to survive from a list of 10 people with certain attributes using consensus and their purpose was to start rebuilding society again. Afterwards, we had to discuss it with the rest of the class. There were two dominant voices who carried the conversation along: I was one of them. I felt that my role was to ensure that everyone had consensus and confirm the people chosen. I also did my part to keep balance in who we chose to survive (making sure that they understood the biological implications of this scenario, place arbitrary criteria for choosing survivors, etc.). I was also chosen to be the voice of the group at the time of sharing the results.
In the second session, we had to discuss the attitudes that we experienced in the exercise based on a assigned chapter on attitudes in group settings. I might have been the only person in both groups that actually did the reading assigned for that day and I knew how to start the discussion without having to have everyone else waste time reading the text. Because of this, I took over the full leadership role and got the discussion going. I got the other members to participate and give their opinions about their attitudes. I acknowledge differing attitudes in the group and shared my own experience. I had to make the balance between being the facilitator and being a peer, which is something that I had difficulty doing as a Health Education student. At one point, I also helped a student download the chapter on her phone.
In both sessions, I found myself in a pseudo-leadership role guiding both processes. Even though I know that INTJs can be awesome leaders, I know that if I were at their level I would have taken over it as quickly as I did. I felt confident in the skills that I had learned in Health Education and in my manner of guiding the discussion. I knew what I was doing. I was rational and cool headed maintaining an understanding of what needed to be done to accomplish as much of the task as we could given the fact that no one else had read the chapter. The one thing that I have to deal with is that I can’t bounce back and forth languages because most don’t understand English very well. Oh well!
Another thing that has happened is more social in nature. Social contracts at the university level is a non-verbal and timed contract: it ends when a course ends. They are superficial in nature: personal subjects are not discussed. This is fine by me, I don’t put a lot of effort in this area of my life so I don’t take this personally. In this class, I talk/listen to my classmates but for the most part it is superficial. There is one classmate with whom I have repeatedly stayed with for considerable time after the class ends. Last night, the class ended at 9:30… we walked around the university and talked until 10:30. That is significant, taking into account that I usually leave the premises after a class is over and I don’t talk to anyone really. I like to remain mysterious. With this classmate though, a bond was formed instantly. Second day we were joking about stuff. That pattern has continued since. We have shared high school stories, which to me is something that I prefer to keep to myself. This is refreshing to me, to be able to have this openness with a peer.
I don’t know what will be the long term effect of taking this class, other than being able to pursue a psychology degree. I will say that being able to adopt these perspectives is life changing. I have seen my capabilities in a different light. I have seen how different things could be.
Plenty of choices to name your next child.
There are times when things that we cannot control makes life more difficult than it should be. Other times, we screw ourselves.
I have felt like a failure in life since December 2013. I don’t have a full-time job. I don’t feel that I am where I want to be in life. I see my siblings that are doing well and I see that I can’t compare with them. I suck.
I have wondered why I don’t feel successful in life. The answer is not that far away: If I delay my “adulthood” I will not have to face the reality of it’s implications. I don’t want to live my adulthood knowing that something is fundamentally wrong with me. I don’t want to become successful under what my name represents. I don’t want to live as me.
I sabotage my progression to adulthood everyday. I sabotage my journey to success in life.
I can’t say at this point in my life that I have had a home. I was a nomad in my parent’s house until I got my own room at the age of 14-15. This room’s furniture was 75% bits and pieces of furniture from the rest of the house. I was fine with it. It was what I needed at the time. I never did ask for much in that department.
At 20 I left my parent’s house and stayed with my brother and his family for 9 months. I couldn’t speak much about my living arrangements and how I wanted it, yet his wife gave me the gift of a furnished room for the last 4 months that I slept there.
In 2012 I moved to my sister’s house, where I have lived until today. It’s a nice place. I love the location. It’s not my own. The place talks more about my sister’s preference than my own. That’s fine. I at some point want to have a place that I can call my own that is of my design.
I want to live in a place where I can be at peace. A place where I can be myself. A place that represents me as a person. I wanted to be able to have a place that looked as badass as my co-Pastor’s man cave. A place that could reflect my energy, my passion, my preferences, my lifestyle, and my beliefs. A place that I can call home.
My father is still the owner of the first house that he lived in after he got married. I never lived in that house, because they had moved into their second house before I was born. Yet my father never sold that house. Now that house is being refurbished to my specifications.
That feels weird. I am expected to make decisions about this house having no real experience in making these kinds of decisions. I don’t know what is good and what is not. This has the implication that I might be swayed easily in favor of other people’s inputs. This makes me question those other people in my mind.
The one thing that I worry is that my mother will try to kick me out of that house because she doesn’t want me living in a place that is in her name. This is kind of a big deal because I don’t have a relationship with my mother and I really don’t want to deal with her.
I can’t deny that I have this unique opportunity to have a home that is as close to my dream as I can have it in this day and age. This brings me feelings of joy, excitement, and guilt. I feel that I can make my dream of having a place of my own to my specifications a reality. I can chose without many limitations what I want. I am thinking that moving to this new place is a good idea because it will give me a platform for my future and a place to really settle down. Yet I feel guilty because I feel that I have no busyness in living in a home that is of my design at the phase in life where I am at. I feel that I am doing wrong by all of those people that don’t have the same God given fortune that I have. I feel discomfort because I am afraid that I won’t be thankful for this privilege and I will screw the house up.
I question things. It’s part of my INTJ nature. Nothing is off-limits. I need to know and verify the truth.
Screw Valentines Day! It’s not even a Holiday. We still have to go to school and it only applies to people that have someone… special. It’s a holiday… for busyness people, who get to make a lot of money off our culture.
I have never had a reason to celebrate this holiday. I don’t think that I will.