Playing by faith… music I mean.

It’s common in my church to go through a devotional and have all of the musicians play their respective instruments without having the slightest idea of what the person directing the devotional is actually singing. Us musicians are forced to look at the member of the congregation with the clearest pronunciation and read their lips. We are playing by faith. We are trusting each other to keep us centered and in rhythm, knowing that we are all suffering from not being able to hear the person that is directing the song.

I play with fear. Fear of keeping the wrong timing on a song and not knowing it until it’s too late. I fear the idea that I think that we are in one part of a song and they are in fact in another. I don’t feel safe playing a song.




Aftermath of analysis of bass player interaction.

After I analyzed the bass player drum teacher thing, I had the feeling that I was doing something wrong in my analysis. Therefore, I have prayed to God to not allow me to have a conversation with the bass player of my church. I have decided to accept his offer of the drum teacher. Because of my analysis, I still have problem of my mentality going into it. I am rational enough to know that my empowerment mentality has it’s risk. I feel that I’m falling into a trap, a trap that I don’t want to fall into. I don’t want God to allow the bass player to bring up the topic of me taking drum classes because my reaction will not be Christ like… yet.

I still think that the bass player’s reaction is shady but his shadiness doesn’t justify mine. Repetitive, I know. I haven’t internalized it yet. I don’t feel empowered by this statement and I don’t feel that I have changed.

I hope that things become better in my mind, well enough to be able to handle this situation as I should.

INTJness hair

This isn’t true for all INTJs.. not like I have officially met another in person. No one that has been confirmed, though. I just want to make a lighter mood type post and write about something more mundane. That topic is my hairstyle.

It’s a simple concept, really. I have a simple even cut hairstyle that I only cut once a year. I cut my hair, usually in late April. During the first 6 months I am okay with the length of my hair, which is the only thing that I really care about. After that, I start to think that at some point I should cut it, but it’s not necessary at that point. At the 10 month mark I seriously think that I am getting annoyed with the length of my hair because it’s hard to maintain it. But I don’t make any serious plans until 12 months after the haircut. I go get a haircut and this process starts all over again. I don’t like messing with my hair. I like my hair as it naturally is, even though I wish it were more manageable.

I adopted this hairstyle philosophy from a classmate at school who did the same thing. I always admired his intellect and his carefree nature (He is obviously not an INTJ). I am not carefree like he is, but I do appreciate this philosophy for its benefits: like low hair care costs and low levels of life interference because of my hair. This was a part of his legacy as a part of CMMS class of 2008. To an extent, this has become part of my legacy too.

Follow up on analysis of attitude regarding bass player thing.

I do thank my Dads for their perspective on the bass player thing. I also like the fact that I was able to get to my own empowered conclusion. But thinking about it, I do feel that my conclusion is selfish. I didn’t want to write it in the last post because it was getting to be too long. I also didn’t want to ruin the climax for you with this thought.

I feel that my empowered statement was a “I will have the last laugh and I will make sure that I’ll win over you in the long run” type idea. This was not the idea that Jesus gave… even though it was true. Jesus was humble about it. He knew that he would be victorious but he didn’t forget his humanity and his position at that time. Maybe humility is more bound by the state in which you are at in your Christian walk than anything else. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I am not humble with regard to this whole drum lessons thing. I am probably being as shady as he is. I am probably just as wrong. Maybe it is just the way that I’m selling it. I don’t know.

I do want to learn. I might not want to learn via an instructor though. I don’t want someone else deciding what I need to learn and what I don’t need to learn. Not anymore. Not at this stage that I’m at in music ministry at my church. If I were moving to another church, the story would be different. I want to be n control of what I learn and how I learn. I don’t want to waste my time or money.

I wish that I could forget that this is coming from a shady action from a bass player that earned the nickname “Princess” from me the first night that he played the guitar (because he wouldn’t do anything for himself other than grab the guitar and play, not even turn the amp on). I wish that I could just see the good, but I can’t. I am not innocent enough to not see it.

I don’t know what brain gymnastics I should do in order for my thoughts to be more Jesus like. It might be better for God to not allow me to have contact with the bass player until I figure this out. Otherwise, I’m in trouble whether I like this or not.

Thoughts on processing Sunday night’s drum classes offer.

I am at home, alone, at 8:05 pm on a Saturday night writing on a blog. As an Introvert, nothing could be more ideal. I could have gone out, but I just didn’t want to. I have gotten this brain synapse as of late. I’m just not willing to put up with unnecessary noise and people. i want tranquility and peace. Being here at home is peaceful, assuming that the neighbors don’t decide to become annoying all of a sudden. I’m at peace. I’m with my thoughts. I can share some of my thoughts in the form of a blog.

I have been going through a mental process of analyzing something that happened to me on Sunday: the bass player of my church offered to contact a percussion specialist to give me drum classes (aka try to get me to play the way that the bass player wants me to). I stayed silent because I knew that whatever reaction came out of my mouth was going to suck because as an INTJ I can’t do improvisation. I wanted to say no as an FU to him because he has the nerve to talk to my father about this before saying anything to me. I also wanted to say FU to him because what he said that he wanted me to learn was something that I had learned from YouTube years ago and I didn’t need a teacher to learn it.

This bass player is not a member of my church and has only been in the music ministry here for a year and a half. He doesn’t have the skills to play bass and guitar as the Pastor sold him to have and his attitude in the music area is similar to a parasite. He is saying covertly that I don’t know how to play the drums the way that he likes it and he wants me to change. He has gone so far to say that I should follow what he is doing in the bass. I can’t because I can’t hear him from the drums, anyway, nor do I want to because he is the new musician and he has to change first. That has been the law here since I started. He won’t change it now.

I see all of this data and I just want to resist whatever this guy wants for himself. I knew that this might not be the best perspective, so I seeked other people’s perspectives. My biological father said that it can benefit me to have this perspective, just not while I’m taking classes. I perceived it as he was stating the benefit of this opportunity regardless of the fact that it came with ill intentions. A fellow drummer said that this is an insult to me as a drummer and that I should resist. I asked my adoptive father and he said that if I say no, I will loose and have the bass player up my ass because he doesn’t like what I do and he tried to get me to be “better” and I said no. Dad also said that saying yes will benefit regardless of who is right: that if I learn something I will be better and if I don’t then he has to shut up and leave me alone.

I knew that Dad’s perspective was right. I had some trouble accepting it, because to an extent it felt like defeat. Then I realized that it might not have been complete. I can learn that which I’m taught without falling pray to an ideology that is a parasite in the music ministry. I can be in control of the outcome of what I learn. I can empower myself to take control and get what I want and not what he wants. I can give the bass player the satisfaction of an accepted offer without receiving the satisfaction in being successful in the long term goal of getting me to change my well constructed playing style.

Before I end this post, I want to make clear that this type of offer would have been more acceptable 6 years ago when I was starting the drums if it was done by someone that I could trust. In fact, I have done this similar type of action with two conga players that have played in my church by recommending YouTube videos to learn from so that what they play is contextualized to my church. I also did it with a person who wanted to play congas in the church but didn’t want a music ministry. That is the difference: the bass player wants me to play something different than what is good in the context of the church: I wanted for the music to be in cohesion… and to not suffer as much in music.

It is true that this bass player is really shady. I can play the role of victim because of his shady actions or I can have the power to choose to use his shadiness to my advantage and do what is right for me without feeling defeat of that I am submitting myself to this guys whims.

(Lack of) Progress on becoming a better Christian

I have been having trouble with becoming a better Christian. I have had trouble changing my behavior, and I know enough to know what is going on and why. I know that I need to change to progress in whatever ministry God has for me inside and outside of music. It doesn’t seem to matter when I don’t keep myself in check.

I’m trying not to think that I have failed, but have stumbled upon many setbacks. Not working, really.

I might be doing things wrong. My goals might be too big or scattered among many qualities. I want to be more generous. I want to lower my levels of aggression. I want to stop being excessively selfish and self-centered. These goals have proven to be too big.I need to make the goals more manageable: smaller in scale. I need to improve on my thoughts on whether is it even possible to become a better Christian. I need to do small improvements in my day to day life and just let them add up over time.

This is easy to write on a blog post. Not easy to carry it out and maintain the healthy perspective. In practice, it seems a lot different than it was taught in Health Education. I guess that this realization can be made of any field. I need to figure this out if I want to succeed. No one can do it for me, not even God. God is doing more than enough and for God to do more of his part I have to do my part.

I thank God for this process. I know that I will learn how to do things and how not to do things in this Christian walk. I just have to stick this out and do my work. I have lived most of my Christian life thinking that I’m doing it wrong. That I am failing. Maybe that’s what Satan wants me to believe so that I wouldn’t get to where I need to go. I just have had a hard time recognizing it and stopping this idea to turn into an adopted attitude. I have to learn from my mistakes and become better than my former self. I must evolve and be a better Christian. It will just take time. I must have faith in God and His ways. I will get to where God needs me to go.

Thoughts on my execution of leadership.

I am in the middle of writing an e-book about mentorship in churches. Don’t worry, non-Spanish speaking viewers. I do plan on translating the book… eventually. I was reviewing the content that my data has on leadership and I think about Simon Sinek’s simplistic definition of leader: “to be a leader is to look out for the person to the left of you and to look out for the person to the right of you”. I think about those people that decided that it was a good idea to be around me (I don’t really know why) and how I have the tendency to not contact them when needed. I thought of picking up the phone and calling those people, but I am writing this blog instead. Why? There’s a conflict between my desire to be a good leader and my desire to be authentic to myself.

This made me think that I’m not a good leader. I suck. I try, but as much as I think I know about being a leader and a mentor I fail… big time. Take into account that my standards are really high… I don’t think it matters. One young person has been MIA since her father got sick and I haven’t called or texted. I don’t know how. I don’t know if I should. Another young person has been MIA for a while, mainly because he is a musician at another church. I haven’t checked up on him. I don’t know how without thinking that I’m screwing up more than I do good. I haven’t seen an adult in a while and I haven’t contacted to check up on him. I know I should because I have gone down this road before, but I don’t know how.

I have never found a need to. I thought that it was unnecessary for others to receive a message from me. I was never in this position. I never had to think of myself as a leader. I was just someone that was never voluntarily sought after. I was rejected at every corner, so I never developed these skills. I am also an INTJ, which kind of gives me about 25% leeway in this department.

I am starting to find out that maybe God wants me to change this aspect of myself. Maybe not. Maybe this is some weird brain synapse that was provoked by this information. I don’t know what is right. I don’t know whether to pursue this type of synapse. This might make me fail as a leader… if I am one, anyway.

Should I delete world theory in order to make a better purer moral compass?

As I finished writing the last post, I wondered what to do with the finding that many of the theories about life have had significant faults; whether I should just make my theories without taking into account what is accepted in society or not. So far, I have had to form my own theories and ideas that reflect reality better and… righting what is so wrong about the existing theory.

I do admit that this is coming from my mind and that this dilemma might not exist in the real world… whatever that is. Yet this is a struggle that I encounter on almost a daily basis. I know in my mind that the world is so wrong on so many things and that I need to not accept them as true and not adopt them into my moral compass. I need to think critically, even if I have opposition (I think I’m right anyway, so I just classify these people as idiots and keep going). I have this need to have the purest moral compass that I can in a world that has a basis for living that is so screwed up.

Because I am a Christian, the thought of me using “the world” might imply that I am excluding Christians from this judgement. I’m not. I am fully aware that most Christian leaders had at least some form of worldly upbringing and have not fully shaken off that moral compass. This is why I as a person that shows resistance to that aspect of church’s moral compass have had so much trouble in the past few years. I also know that the Bible was written for people that came from “the world” to Christianity. The Book was not written for people that were raised in the church. This is why some Bible verses don’t have much applicability to us. Yet I haven’t met anyone that realizes that and has partaken the task to figure out how to… “tailor” the teachings of the Bible so that it can become as a form of primary prevention for us people that were raised in the church. I haven’t seen it done appropriately.

Now that I have thought about it briefly, I don’t think that I should discard it. I don’t want to repeat the history of corruption of my moral compass by adopting a screw what “progress” has been made. I need a basis from which I can make my “theory of the practice” from. I need to use what other’s understand so as to guide them to the truth… or at least the truth as I have concluded. I need to know what is out there to be able to combat it with what I think is right. Hopefully what I think is right is closer to what God thinks it’s right because I don’t want to corrupt things further.

In conclusion. Should I delete world theory in order to make a better purer moral compass? No. I should use it to my advantage.

Touchy feely… Touchy but not feely… Not touchy but feely… Neither touchy nor feely.

In my almost constant processing of ideas, I came across this idea that people are not just touchy feely or not touchy feely. That these two status of human preference can be just two opposites of a spectrum. There can be people that are touchy but not feely and people who are not touchy but are feely. But what do I mean by all these concepts?

I must point out that I am referring to preferences about physical contact here. Touchy is used to indicate someone who just has to put their hands on people. Feely is more tricky to define, because it can mean someone who likes to feel the other person (usually what feely means in this context) but it might be used in the context of someone that is stimulated from receiving physical contact. So for the sake of this post, I will try to identify the context of feely… or try to use both.

Touchy feely: Someone who just has to put their hands on people and feel them.  Someone who just has to put their hands on people and have people put their hands on him/her.

Touchy but not feely:  Someone who just has to put their hands on people but doesn’t want to spend much time exploring the other person’s body, especially in the context of a normal conversation. Someone who just has to put their hands on people but doesn’t want that in return.

Not touchy but feely: Someone who doesn’t have a preference of putting their hands on people but when he/she does they like to explore what they touch. Someone who prefers not to put their hands on people but gets stimulated when someone else puts their hands on them.

Neither touchy nor feely: Someone who prefers not to put their hands on people much less explore what they touch. Someone who prefers not to put their hands on people and doesn’t feel any stimulation when people put their hands on them.

I think that these categories can be placed in a spectrum of people’s preference. I think that one person can change preferences at different moments in their life and with specific persons that they trust.   Maybe there is a possibility that at the end of one’s life we could have had each preference at one point or another; with different people that we meet. I am not sure, but my second preliminary analysis of this topic seems to suggest that it’s so. Maybe that’s normal and the binary of touchy feely/not touchy feely that I think that I have been sold was either an imagined concept or a real concept that doesn’t reflect what was really going on.

Things that happens for looking younger than my years.

  1. “Now we know where the fountain of youth is.”
  2. “That’s good, because when you get older you will be looking good.”
  3. “Really? I thought you were x-10 years old.”
  4. “I put __ age on you.” (they always get it wrong)
  5.  “Can you show me some ID?”
  6. “You just dress young and that’s why you are treated as if you are young.”
  7. I am the baby of any group… even though I am not the youngest.