Are INTJs selfish in relationships?

INTJs suck at relationships. No doubt about that.

INTJs try to not suck about relationships. No doubt about that either.

My perspective as an INTJ is that my view of myself as someone that is awesome in relationships goes from accurate to “totally wrong, cause you selfish”. It’s a cycle that is a pattern in other areas of my life, like how wise I am and whether I am successful or not. For the most part I think that I am on top of the world, but there are times where my mind confronts me with the reality that I still have more to learn and things to better myself at.

INTJs suck at the emotional and the dialectic parts of relationships. We try genuinely to make sure that there is balance in the relationship. Yet something inside of us makes us think that we are not doing enough from our part.

Other times, I think that I am being too selfish and ask too much of a relationship. … I sometimes do, but the thought always comes to mind when I am analyzing an aspect of a relationship that I have every right to demand its compliance. I think that because the other person shows that he or she is not willing to do it that I am being selfish and I shouldn’t even have that demand in my mind in the first place. It’s one of those standard thought processes that got hardwired in my brain when I was younger that I can’t shake off. I know that what I am doing is right, yet when I get a reaction of resistance from the other person I wonder automatically whether I was too selfish in my demands.

There are other times where I do things in a relationship without taking into account the other person. That really is selfish. I will not argue against it.

But I wonder, is selfishness that bad of a trait or is it that what is wrong is unhealthy selfishness? If unhealthy selfishness is the problem, then what is the standard to measure it? There is no standard, just the input of the other person. Input that is influenced by crappy social norms and the commonality of other people not wanting to work at any type of relationship, at least not in the way that I do. My demands to other people seem too inconvenient for them and they decide that it’s okay to screw me over. It seems to be the norm that I can’t be selfish but they sure can. Frankly, I am tired of that crap.

Are INTJs selfish when it comes to relationships? Given what I have seen about the selfishness that other people exhibit in relationships with other people, I think that INTJs are not more selfish than other types. My biased mind can even think that the other types are more selfish than INTJs, but I know that I can’t say that for sure. I would like to think so, though. I think that the problem here is in the definition of the word selfish and how it is unevenly applied to humans of different types.



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