I am an INTJ. I have a really developed intuition and logic that allows me to think on big ideas. I also have a formal education that, even though it is more extroverted in execution, gave me the tools to better put my intuition and logic to good use. One of these tools is proposal building.
In my church I have done about three proposals in the last year, of which I have only submitted one. This one proposal was read, but wasn’t approved by the Pastor. I don’t know why, exactly. It’s his loss, because what I offered would have been very beneficial to the organization.
In recent months, I have been creating a proposal for a health education plan for my church’s youth group to be carried out on the next calendar year. When I first started this on September 30, I only did it as a mental exercise to refresh the skills learned through my master’s. I shared my progress with both my biological and adoptive fathers as I redacted the proposal. About two, maybe three weeks ago, I made the decision to submit my proposal to church leadership under the ideas that I shouldn’t let all of that biological energy go to waste and that I don’t want anyone (neither me nor the church leadership) to have the excuse for not doing the right thing.
I feel like Jeremiah, a prophet near the time of Israel’s Babylonian captivity who was called by God to be a prophet in Israel. He was told to be a prophet but was told that no one would hear them. That he was called so that the Israelite’s would have no excuse come the time of captivity. I feel compelled to speak up about things in church that are not at their optimum level and provide solutions for it, but I know that the church leadership will not listen, much less act on what I am stating.
Because of this idea, my actions are not necessarily driven by a “spirit of generosity” (to use Simon Sinek’s terminology) and are driven by a more selfish reason. Basically, my thought process goes something like this: “I know that this is bad-ass proposal and that you should have me implement it, but I know you rather screw your membership by sticking to something that has proven to be mediocre. I know that no youth (or adult, for that matter) will be able to do a proposal that is of equal or higher quality than I can, because God gave me the personality type and the formal education tools to be able to do so. But I don’t want God to put the blame on me for not doing what is right. Therefore, I am going to submit this proposal as a document that will show how much and why you suck, and what awesomeness looks like.”
Analyzing myself further, my thing is not that I no longer believe in my church. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. My thing is that I am still looked at and treated as the adolescent that I once was and they still haven’t realized that I am adult enough to be able to carry out that which I propose. I get tired of putting my time and energy into something that won’t be appreciated and valued for what it is. This makes me want to have the attitude of “screw you idiot, enjoy mediocrity”; but I can’t. God doesn’t allow me to. I just have to pick myself up and act on the newly reformed courage and humbleness to try again.