Giving someone a tittle is something that scares INTJs. We know people suck, including ourselves, and that giving a tittle increases the chance that a human dynamic will fail. Even with this idea in mind, we INTJs have come across situations where the idea/impulse/desire/pressure to give someone a tittle is a reality that we have to face. This year has been a year where this has been true with more than one person. One of them is my father on probation. I made the decision to not give any other tittles before the end of the first calendar year, which is about three weeks away. As I analyze whether I should embrace the idea of giving my father on probation the tittle of dad, I started to think about a number of things.
The first thing is whether I can/should call him dad… without causing internal and/or external trouble. I know that this is a big step, and I don’t want to take it lightly. I know that once I do this, I can’t go back to the probation phase. I don’t want to carry it out and think that I am not sincere and sure about calling him dad, but I know that it is something that I am considering. I also need to make sure that not only is he worthy enough to carry the tittle but that I am willing and able to do my part as well. I don’t think that what is stopping me is the doubt of whether this is true but the awareness that this is a big decision that affects other people and I do not know the full repercussions of carrying this out.
On that note, I know that this will affect the other people in church (mainly the kids that he works with). I don’t want to cause unnecessary conflict. Plain and simple. Even though I am rather young, to the kids he works with I am an adult. Therefore, I have to be the one that is aware of the social cues and of how much of the nature of my dynamic with my father on probation I can show them without causing conflict.
I want to be able to have a space, a social space in his mind, that is “my own” (even if it’s only an illusion). I also want to have some level of certainty that I do have a unique role or standing with respect to my father on probation. At the same time, I don’t want the fulfillment of that desire to affect those kids in a negative way. I want for there to be a consciousness that their social space is as special as mine and for there not to be any jealousy and/or resentment for the particularities of the other’s social space. I want for those spaces to co-exist beautifully without conflict. Because they are kids and I am an adult, I think that the success of this goal depends more on my actions than on theirs.
I can’t deny that this is a process that only goes on in my mind. No one else is a part of this decision. I have to work out the ideas that are based on data that I have received from sources other than my father on probation and on the kids themselves. I need to have peace in my decision. I also have to be aware that there is no guarantee that there will be no conflict as a result of this process. I just need to have the right mindset and the right tools to manage whatever comes of this, whether internal or external.