Yesterday, my Pastor asked me to enter his office, which means that to him I did something wrong.
He started by stating that I should forget about a proposal that I did to solve a testimony giving problem, and that he was analyzing it and dealing with it (which is a implicit “I won’t do it” statement). I was not going to ask about this, because I know that he won’t do it. This is the type of statement he says to soften you up for what he really wants to say.
After that first comment, he called to my attention two other topics. He presented it as a order masked as a advice, which I hate because it is masking true intent and is cowardly in nature.
When I realized what the first topic was, musicians complaining that I was playing the drums too loud at a time where there isn’t any other sounds in the music area, I realize that what he was going to say was going to not consider the real context of the situation. This calmed me down, because when this type of meeting happen I get pissed off and I retort. I was calm, attentive, and quiet. I let him speak. This is not the way I react in this type of meeting.
When the second topic came, which was more social in nature, I listened the same way and I didn’t say anything. What happened was that I was being told to do something without being given real explanations as to why it was important for me to do so. The Pastor was treating me like a child.
This meeting confirmed a pattern that I have been seeing from the Pastor since 2000: The Pastor reacts to situations based on one perspective and doesn’t bother to seek out the truth from all sides. He shows that he just doesn’t want to deal with the problems in the church. He reacts in a way that makes me think that doesn’t really care about my well-being.
My observation of my reaction to the message felt to me like an indicator of maturity, or at least the idea that I know better than to react in a futile manner. I had mixed feelings about the meeting: I felt content with my reaction, but I felt uneasy with how the Pastor delivered his message.
In these situations I wonder what to do with the data. I don’t know. In my INTJ mind, there is a conflict between feeling the need to say something against this to create consciousness and maybe catalyze change and the screw them mentality because of my awareness that my voice is not influential and what I have to say not considered important in their eyes. Usually what happens is that nothing comes out to the people that needs to hear this feedback. The screw you statement might feel powerful because I might be feeling control over the information, but in the long run I am being a part of the problem by keeping quiet when I shouldn’t.