Allowing myself to feel, to be human.

As an INTJ, I spent years purposely trying to suppress my feelings and emotions. I wanted to be cold, non-human, incapable of having such human experiences. I didn’t want to deal with something that I didn’t understand. Human dynamics, what the rest of you call relationships, were fake to me. They were just selfish acts to get what I or the other think we could get from the other. I couldn’t (and can’t) stand human touch because I wasn’t capable of understanding that it was part of the context/foundation of  the human dynamic/relationship. I wanted to be real, but at that time my definition of being real was synonymous with not being human.

In my first semester of my bachelor’s degree, I was taking an English Literature course, where the professor was discussing In Exile by Anton Chekhov (I had to look it up cause I had forgotten, but here’s the link if any of you want to read it http://www.eldritchpress.org/ac/jr/164.htm) as part of the Chekhov’s portion of the course. This course was about learning about the human condition in literature. So part of the discussion was to identify who was the human in the story. The choice was between Tatar, who was always talking about seeing his family even for a moment, or Semyon, who was imposing his idea of surviving the Siberian prison by wanting nothing. The answer, as the professor and the other students stated in agreement, was that the Tatar was human. This answer shocked me to my core because in my mind I said that the answer was Semyon. I had trouble dealing with the idea that I had the wrong answer. More than that, I was troubled by the fact that I had made myself believe for years that the right thing was to not be human and not want nothing.

I can’t be totally blamed for this mentality: the “want nothing” mentality was instilled by my family from an early age. I also didn’t want human connection because the type that I always got was negative in nature, filled with bullying and social exclusion. I had successfully bought the idea that I wasn’t going to amount to anything because I wasn’t capable to do so.

“Want nothing”. Desire not to be human. Ideas that I had successfully sowed in my mind backfired on me on that fateful day. I thought that this answer was correct, even though I got a weird feeling inside whenever I spoke up about it . I thank God that I kept this mainly inside my head because I didn’t get into trouble over it. I kept this data on reserve until I had a chance to analyze it well.

This class was very influential in the formation of my self because it gave me a change of perspective.

I continued my college education as if nothing had happened. I started human dynamics and ended them as the non-human that I still was. The only difference was that I was aware of the error of my ways. In 2011 I thought that I had a healthy support system composed of the mother, the friend, and the punching bag. Before the fourth year of my Bachelor’s degree was over that support system was no more. The friend broke it off in a selfish episode, the mother left to take care of her ailing husband, and the punching bag was never very useful. All were gone and I was alone. I decided to take that time to be with God, though I think in retrospect that seeking God was the thing that I least did at that time.

What I did end up doing was that which I always did: play the field in search of a worthy candidate to try out. Long story short, the person that I had some hopes for failed the trial and the one which had no expectation from me passed.

It was with the formation of the human dynamic with the guy who passed the test that God started to teach me about healthy human dynamics. God would show me what was happening through a biblical perspective and how healthy that was in comparison to all other dynamics that I had in the past. Since then, I have been able to love and feel loved (in a biblical fraternal love way), to care and be cared for: I started to experience that which Checkov’s In Exile showed as the human condition. Today I have a healthier support system. With these people I have allowed myself to feel, allowed myself to be human.

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