Since what happened last night (mentioned in the previous blog), a number of thoughts came to mind:
- I have no leadership backing to really develop this young person as I, the expert, see fit.
- Maybe I should do what God does to repeat sinners and just give her away to crappy people developers.
- I made a huge mistake in promoting the type of behavior in her that now I want for her to change.
- It is her that does not have the capacity to really be a musician and I’m pushing it.
- Maybe she doesn’t want to be a musician.
- The leadership thinks that I am less than what I am and treats me as such.
- If the pattern that the leaders and this young person wants to promote continues, when I leave there would not be any musician in the youth group.
- People such! So do I.
- I am trying to do what’s right but no one really did that with me. I can’t provide that which I was given.
I realize that when I try to apply some of my ideas, they seem to fail because the events and the people in my mind do not match what is in the external world. When I think of the development of this young person, I think about the monster that the leadership of the church is creating and how much I don’t want to be a part of it.
I am in a terrible position to be in. I know that God showed me that this young person has the potential to do in music what I currently do, but I can sense that the path that she chose for herself and how she is going about it isn’t the healthiest way. Also, I am surrounded by leaders that don’t have a high regard for what I am capable of. Therefore, whatever I do will be met with high levels of resistance. They are my biggest obstacles for me to reach my potential. In the mean time, they will promote people that do not have the experience, the maturity or the training over me.
This is an example of when my INTJ vision is not that consistent with reality. I start getting a variety of thought and the course of action that I most want to adopt is to not waste my time and energy in something that will not work according to my well thought out vision.