When I realized that my family did something in raising me that was fundamentally wrong.

I come from a Christian-faith household (or whatever is the appropriate name). Christians would think that this would make for a better household, but being raised in a Christian-faith home isn’t worth anything if your parents didn’t allow God to fully be transformed by God. Parents and brothers and sisters suck and make life defining mistakes… life defining for me.

I first realized that my family screwed me over when I was 18. I got angry. I started to feel resentment towards my parents, my oldest sister and the youngest of my two brothers (fundamental siblings in my family) because they screwed me over with their words and their actions (or lack of actions), yet they were not taking any responsibility and it seems that they are not suffering any real consequences for their actions. Ok, so my parents have suffered for this because I have cut-off ties with my mother, and I have reduced interactions with my brother and sister because they trigger subconscious thoughts and reactions. But these consequences don’t seem to matter to my brother and sister for them to seek the reasons for it.

I knew then, and I know now, that they screwed with my development of my self-efficacy (my belief that I am capable of performing a certain behavior) to the extent that I feel that my development is one stage behind and that I have a harder time doing tasks that aren’t difficult but require self-efficacy. This is not ok. They screw with my self-efficacy, yet when I show the fruits of their actions and words they state that I am at fault because I am not doing what I should. Really? Who’s fault is that? (We are all responsible, I am not claiming full victim mentality.)

I have tried to rationalize what my siblings have done, but when I feel that I can move on they do something that screw with my progress. I sometimes think that to live my life I have to cut myself off from my family, but my rational and Health Educator mind shows me that this course of action will not solve the problem (other that I don’t have a job that can facilitate this process).

When I realized that my family did something in raising me that was fundamentally wrong I thought that the right thing was to get angry, to show them the effects of what they had done. More than six years later, I realize that consciousness of the fact that my family screwed me over is not enough for me to be on the road to live a normal life. I have realized that I have to build my self-efficacy on my own, a lot of times without help. I have to fake it till I become healthy, obtain self-efficacy. I also have to figure out how to replace the data that my family sowed in my mind with the truth.

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One thought on “When I realized that my family did something in raising me that was fundamentally wrong.

  1. I know exactly what you’re talking about. It’s been 7 years since I moved out of my parents house, and I’m still not in a great place. I’m still plagued by things I picked up as a kid, such as low self worth, low confidence, etc. I recently discovered that the reason that I was so paranoid about the quality of my work because I didn’t want to ever make a mistake and have my boss scold me, because I was terrified that he’d be like my step-dad.

    The worst part is that it’s just as you said – just knowing about the issues isn’t enough to make it all better. What has been helping me the most is when my therapist can help me logically get to the bottom of a particular feeling/issue, and point out how illogical it is.

    For example, I had been plagued with guilt wondering “what was so wrong with me that I deserved that treatment.” It wasn’t until my therapist got me to realize that there was nothing a 2 year old could do to deserve what he did, and even through the years nothing warranted that treatment. Once I was able to see the illogical nature of my guilt, I was able to dismiss it finally.

    I’m not sure if that’ll help you as well, or how to find the underlying problems, but that’s what has been the most successful for me.

    Like

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